Chapter 36

• I had to inform Ethan earlier than I had initially planned regarding the funeral arrangements, since that funeral director was very fast in preparing everything within a very short time. I had not expected the process to go so fast, but it appeared that each stage of the process was managed with a quick and careful precision. The tombstone too, which is normally a time-consuming process because of the nature of the work, was to be completed early. It was to be a lovely and touching memorial—an exquisite white angel standing so gracefully above the grave with her name so lightly carved upon the stone underneath. Under that would be a poem, one that I had selected with care, a touching message that would be to eternalize her spirit and the light that she had shed into our lives.
• Then, when I was not quite ready to comprehend all that, the day of the funeral came. It was too soon, and I had not even had time to digest it. The next minute I was chatting about the plans, and the next I was waking up on the day I had been fearing. It was all unreal, as though I was being carried along by a tidal wave of events that were too strong to oppose. I was repeating to myself that this was going to be good for me, that this was the kind of closure that I really needed to start the healing process. However, deep inside, I did not feel that I was ready to do it, neither emotionally nor mentally. I had not been ready enough to say goodbye.
• I emerged out of the bathroom that morning wearing a black dress that ended just above my knees. Not fancy, just plain and simple, with thin straps that rested lightly on my shoulders. I had a soft black shawl over my arms, black stockings and a pair of strappy high heels that clicked lightly against the floor as I moved. The uniform was as dull as my spirits: solemn, deferential.