Chapter 295

• JAMES' CHILDHOOD
• One of the things I never liked to talk about in public was my childhood, a childhood marked by pain and scars that still play a fundamental role in my struggles to this day. I believe it was one of the ways life had punished me, and it had done so quite cruelly. I didn't know what to do at that moment, I was so confused by the things that had happened to me before that I wanted to leave this earth and this life for a moment. The only thing tormenting me in my head was the desire to die, to not bother anyone anymore. That was one of the things that tormented me the most. Every night before going to bed, there were moments when I cried and cried like a newborn baby, perhaps hiding all the suffering I had gone through at some point in my life. However, sometimes I found some courage and wanted to move forward, but opportunities were few and it all started about 16 years ago.
• I was at school like every day, it was a Monday, I remember perfectly. I didn't even feel like going to school, as usual. The acts that lasted for hours were the worst part, we had to stand the whole time, which I found so annoying. It was one of the things that bothered me the most about school, even the teachers could sit down, it was quite unfair. I actually hated the teachers, and I don't know why, maybe because of the way they behaved, thinking they were the greatest authority in that school. Time passed, and so did the days. My life had no meaning, and I always walked in the afternoons trying to imagine what the meaning of life was. One of the things I often wondered about was why we come to this life, live for a certain time, and then die. It felt quite illogical, as if one would get attached to the earth and not want to leave it. But due to one's own sin, one would have to leave. It seemed quite unfair to me, but I was no one to judge the things that happened in life. In addition to that, I dedicated myself to sports. I was quite good at basketball, soccer, and other sports like table tennis. Most of the time when I felt bad, I turned to sports to make myself feel a little better. Maybe I was fooling myself because the truth was, it was temporary, it was nothing that made me feel permanently good. Music was also one of the things I loved the most. From a young age, I learned to play instruments, and not to brag, but I was quite good. I think if my parents had supported me in this, things would have been different. But now, I'm just a wandering spirit on earth with a great responsibility on my shoulders. But well, continuing with my childhood, I think it was one of the most beautiful stages of my life because I never thought I would still be alive today. I always had the illusion of leaving this world and stop bothering everyone. That was one of the things that had gotten into my head. However, I think I was quite wrong because since I realized other things, I saw life as a path that I had to walk without giving up. I know that circumstances and the things that happen to us are quite tough, but there is always a reason and a solution to those things. The bad thing is that, well, at that moment, your mind is so clouded that you don't even think about the consequences of your own actions. So, if I ever truly thought that life was worthless, I was definitely wrong because I believe that life is a gift that a supreme being has given us, and we have to give it our all while we are alive because once we are dead, I don't know where we will end up. That was one of the questions that troubled me so much. There was a moment when I was afraid of death. I don't know, but I had anxiety attacks, and it was quite uncomfortable to have them. I remember once I was taking the bus to school, I had heard about anxiety attacks and their symptoms, but for me, it was a joke because I had never experienced them. It was only then that I started to experience the type of symptoms that I had previously read about. It was said that first came fatigue, which I felt in my chest as if I had run a marathon, even though I was just sitting on the bus. In addition to that, worry began to overwhelm my thoughts. I even felt that the bus itself was going to collide with any object, and I truly believed that thought, being on alert mode, waiting for the bus to crash. That's how I had my first anxiety attack, it was quite horrible, I don't recommend it to anyone. But besides that, I started to control them. I had read more about it and started to be interested because I needed a way to counteract whenever I had these attacks. I learned to have self-control over my emotions and also learned breathing exercises. Time kept passing, and I met new people at the same school. This time, I changed shifts, I studied in the afternoon. I made good friends and even thought I would graduate in that shift. However, I don't know what was going on in my head, I decided to switch to the morning shift. It was a tiring shift because you had to get up very early, and that was one of the things I didn't like. I needed to sleep enough to have a lot of energy during the day, but in this shift, I couldn't afford to wake up so late because the first subjects were only in the early hours of the morning. But well, I was responsible for the choices I had made, so I had to endure the bad decisions. That was another thing that bothered me, bad decisions. I think we all go through a phase in life where we make bad decisions, but that doesn't mean we are destined to repeat them. Even though we know the truth and the consequences, we still do the same things again. Maybe that's why humans are said to be the only ones who stumble twice over the same stone. Fortunately, I grew up in a home where many values were taught, and the people who lived there were quite supportive of others, especially those on the streets. My parents taught me to respect my elders, not to steal, and to treat adults with respect.