Chapter 1 Renae

• Have you ever looked at someone’s life and wished you could swap life with them? That’s how I feel every single time. There’s nothing exciting about my life, I’m just a lonely single girl with barely any strengths , nothing I’m passionate about, not enough money to get the life I dream about and nothing that I really care about and no one that I cared about as well. I was miserable but I always hid it with a smile because who cares if you’re miserable or not?
• I wish I had another life worth living and not this but since I’m stuck with this I guess I just have to make it worth it.
• I sighed forcing myself out of bed, I’ve just felt like lying on the bed through out for the rest of my life but I guess that makes me as good as dead and it may as well be a coffin.
• I got out of bed and started preparing for school and I’m glad that I have just another year left even though another 365 days or more seems like eternity. I wore a big white graphic t-shirt and a baggy wide leg black pants and grabbed my black tote bag putting my notebook, laptop, pen and every other essential thing I would need and when I was sure that I wasn’t forgetting anything I switched the light off and made my way out of my apartment. I barely paid attention to anything as I entered the bus that was going to stop at campus. I was already counting down the hours for the day to end but it was just a never ending cycle. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
• I sighed heavily and decided to listen to music to distract me from all the thoughts I was having. I placed my AirPods in my ear and started to play something from my sad songs playlist and there was something about listening to sad songs when you’re in this type of mood that nearly makes you want to start crying buckets, it was starting right now and I felt like I would cry from the sad thoughts I was having and the feeling of hopelessness that has filled my heart. It also didn’t help that I had no one to talk to about how I was truly feeling, I had tried talking to my friends about it but they never really listened and dismissed it before I got too far or they talked about themselves and disregard what I was saying and it really hurts trying to bare your soul to someone and they don’t listen to you, have no interest whatsoever in what you are trying to say especially when it has taken all your courage to be able to say it.
• I felt a tear slip and quickly wiped it before it spilled or anyone saw it. The bus had gotten to my stop now and I sighed knowing I had to play pretend but that’s what they say isn’t it, fake it till you make it. Maybe if I fake happiness long enough I’ll feel happy. The thought of that brought a small smile to my face hoping that one day I’ll get to be happy, genuinely happy.
• I alighted the bus and started to make my way to my first class which was just about to start. Immediately I sat down the professor walked in and the lectures began. I closed my book just as the professor left.
• “Renae,” my friends called out from behind me and I turned to look at them waving at them.
• They were walking towards me so that we could all leave for our next class.
• “What’s up?” and “how are you?” Were asked as we greeted and hugged. My friends are really lovely lively people and sometimes I felt like I was the boring one maybe because I am. We were a group of five friends, three girls including me and two guys. They are Jason, Logan, Lily and Faye and of course me.
• “It’s been long we all hung out, let’s go out this Friday night, all of us.” Lily suggested excitedly, she likes party and wherever there is a party there you shall find Lily and she was quite popular on campus as well because of that.
• Everyone else excitedly said yes and turned to look at me when they realized I said nothing.
• “So would you be joining us Renae?” Logan asked watching me intently. Sometimes he looks at me as if we are more than friends, the type of look that could make your stomach flip if you had the ability to fall in love.
• “Of course, I wouldn’t miss it, I hope we all have fun.” I replied trying to sound excited as well and they all seemed glad that I was coming mostly Logan. I’m not much of a party freak, I barely like leaving my house even when it’s to come to campus and often miss classes most of the times so the last place you’ll hope to see me is a party but I join in most times if it’s a hang out with the guys, most times it’s fun most of the time I find it overwhelming and get really anxious and just leave abruptly much to their disdain but no matter how I explain they never seem to understand so most times they don’t invite me to something they know I won’t come to like when they are going to the club and even though I appreciate them trying to understand it kinda hurts that they don’t even bother asking again but I would too if I already knew what the answer would be.
• Lily and Jason were walking together probably making plans for Friday night and Faye was probably talking to her boyfriend on the phone considering the way she was smiling, I smiled a little and turned my head away from her. I wonder how it feels to have someone love you, cherish you and care about you, who knows if I’ll ever experience that considering it’s not something I can give and I might not know it even if it slaps me in the face but then I already experienced it and jeopardized it and that’s why he ghosted me as if I had died because I didn’t realize just how much he cared and when he told me he loved me countless times I never said it back and maybe that’s why he ended up dating Janice and leaving me with the title ‘best friend’ even though our friendship had deteriorated by then but I didn’t really feel it because at least we still talked until we didn’t, I tried calling, texting, leaving messages in his dm on social media, I even went as far as stalking his friends and reaching out to them so I could know what was wrong with him because I really thought something happened to him turns out he just didn’t want to have anything to do with me again after declaring countless sweet nothings to me.
• “Earth to Renae,” Logan said startling me a little causing us to chuckle. “What are you thinking about, you seem to be lost in thoughts more than usual.” He looked at me as if what was wrong with me will magically appear on my forehead and even though I knew it wouldn’t I lowered my head and turned my eyes in another direction just in time to see one of the guys I found attractive on campus.
• He was walking with every ounce of confidence, he stood 5’11 tall and proud. He knew he was good looking and showed it off. He looked like the type that will be rude, arrogant and probably narcissistic but that’s just be assuming but one thing for sure he’s a big flirt. I’ve seen him flirting with different girls on campus and seen him on couple of dates, different girls every time. He seemed like the type to only sleep with a girl no string attached, just flings and I’m pretty sure this assumption is correct.
• “You stare too long for someone that doesn’t have a crush on him.” Logan teased, oh my, I forgot about his presence, he even asked me a question before.
• “I’m pretty sure I don’t have a crush on him, just because I happen to appreciate the beauty of God’s creation or someone’s sense of style doesn’t mean I have a crush on the person Logan.” This was just what it was nothing more but lately I’ve been wondering what it will feel like to be one of those girls he would look at and if something could possibly happen between us that would be more than just a fling.
• “I bet you are thinking about him again.” Logan continued his tease and I scoffed, I barely remember him unless I see him and when I do I think about how good he looks but that’s just it, it’s only superficial nothing deep. I could never love someone, my heart is not capable of such or so I thought.