Chapter 5

• “You are beautiful. You are strong. You are awesome. You are tough, you are the student body president,” I say the last bit in a low tone and laugh. “You are a smart, fierce female.”
• I should be proud of myself and ignore my husband’s treatment of me. I am tough, the first female student body president my school has had in the last thirty years, it’s a big feat. I shouldn’t mind my husband’s dislike of virgins. He’s a monster.
• As I murmur these words to myself in front of the long, standing mirror in our matrimonial bedroom, an invisible cloak settles on my shoulder. Even if it’s only for a moment, I feel better than I did earlier. Stronger.
• Though my eyes are puffy from letting my emotions get the best of me but it is nothing a little makeup cannot fix. I lick my parched lips, I have a bad habit of biting them when I’m nervous. My reflection flashes me a fake smile with her hands going to her waist as she strikes a pose in her body-hugging gown that reveals even the contour of her belly button. I wink at her.
• The top two buttons of the navy blue gown are down to reveal more than a decent amount of cleavage and her hair is swept up in a half-up, half-down hairstyle. The hair is away from my face as I like it and is also down, the way Brandon likes it.
• Giving myself a mental kick, I remind my twin image in the mirror I did not dress up in my most provocative gown for Brandon neither did I style my hair this way for him. I am doing it for myself, yes, for myself first before him or anyone else.
• My shoulder sags, I stare harder at myself in the mirror, maybe that’s a lie. I have not put on any lipstick yet because I don’t know his favourite colour, that’s if he has one. I don’t have any, I believe all colours have a role to play and should be loved equally.
• The ringtone of my new iPhone, the first of many gifts that came from Brandon before the wedding cuts through my thoughts and I happily leave the mirror. Standing there didn’t do as much good for me as it usually did. Speaking to myself in front of a mirror before a big day has always had this magical effect on me. Except for today.
• I panic and drop the phone when I see who’s calling: Clarissa. It’s not just any call, it’s a video call. Thankfully, my feet cushion the fall and I pick it up to see the screen is free from any cracks. I do not want my husband to have any other reason to dislike me more than he already does.
• Clarissa doesn’t know I’m married, no one in school knows just yet and I hope I can keep it that way. I have only one more semester to go and it will be bye-bye university, welcome to real life.
• “Bitch, where have you been? You went MIA on me,” Clarissa shouts as soon as my finger hits the receiver button. “Ouuuu, I like me some hot, sexy, black girl, who are we seducing tonight?” she says with a whistle.
• A laugh escapes my lips, the sound causing her to laugh along. Clarissa is the only one who makes the word black sounds like a title, she has taught me to embrace my skin the same way she loves her Asian eyes.
• “No one,” I murmur.
• “Don’t you dare lie to me, lady,” she starts, “I can see right through you and I know you are avoiding my question. Where are you?”
• “Clary.”
• “No, no, no, no, no,” she cuts me off, “you are prepping for a lie, ain’t you?” Her eyes fill my screen and her voice reduces to a whisper, “Bitch, please. Don’t you dare lie to me.”
• “Yes, bitch,” I reply and laugh out loud.
• The word bitch coming from her sounds sexy, she’s the only one who’s allowed to call me that and many other names. I do the same too. We are that close, not just roommates, roommates and best friends.
• When her full face appears back on my screen, I smile as she plays with a lock of her jet black, straight hair. “Clary, I’ll tell you everything when I get back next week.”
• She doesn’t need to know I am in the same city with her and I didn’t travel to South Africa like I told her. We have always talked about how we wanted our weddings to be, the roles she will play and I could not bear the thought of inviting her to a wedding with a man I do not love.
• “Fine, suit yourself,” she mumbles. I can already picture her giving me the silent treatment for a whole day when she finds out I lied to her. She doesn’t take kindly to liars, all thanks to a scumbag of an ex.
• A notification pops up on my screen, I bite my lips and look down. “What’s it?”
• “My parents are calling,” I answer.
• “Put them on,” Clary says and I shake my head with my eyes nearly falling out of their sockets. They will most definitely talk about my marriage. “Come on now, I haven’t seen them in ages. I miss them.”
• We have a cordial relationship with each other’s parents and when they had asked me why Clarissa was absent for the wedding, I had sprung up a lie. All I had done during that period was lie and make up more lies for my friends, parents and anyone who questioned my behaviour.
• “Are you okay?” Clary asks and I nod. “If you don’t want me to speak to them, it’s fine but make sure to extend my greetings, okay?”
• “Clary...” I trail off.
• “It’s fine,” she continues, “you promise to tell me everything when you get back?” I nod, I will give her every single, little detail. “I’m okay with that, be good.”
• The screen of my phone goes black after we exchange our goodbyes and I smile sadly to myself, sometimes I think I don’t deserve her. She gives so much of herself into our friendship and the best I can do is repay her with lies and exclusion from my wedding. To think I call her my best friend.
• Ma’s face comes on my screen, chasing away the lingering feeling of guilt and a scream from her has me buttoning up my gown. She’s big on decency and doesn’t give a damn about my age. I’m still her baby.
• I roll my eyes, greet her and ask of Pa.
• “He’s fine, he went out,” she says, her eyes twinkle and I laugh, she always acts like a newly married at the mention of Pa. “How’s Brandon? I’m loving my new phone.”
• Brandon bought a new phone for all of us, the only reason I started using it was because my old Samsung thought it a good idea to stop working and also because of my parents. They had no hesitations accepting their future son-in-law’s gift, they love him.
• “He’s fine too,” I lie. I haven’t seen him since our early morning fiasco and I have not left the room. I’m not sure I want to see him.
• “Did he like our gift?”
• I chuckle at the excitement in her voice, it was her idea to get him something in return after all he has spent on us. “Not yet.”
• “What do you mean?” She frowns. “It’s either he likes it or he doesn’t, which one?”
• “Ma,” I whine and pout, “not yet because I have not given him. We were too tired last night, there was no time for gifts.”
• Her face brightens up and she jumps from the stool she’s sitting on. She took the bait like I expected. “I get it. How was it?”
• “Ma!” I will not discuss my inexistent sexual life with Ma no matter how close we are.
• The door creaks. “I think he’s back.”
• “Alright, moghel,” I laugh at her wrong usage of the South African slang which loosely translates to homegirl. I am not her homegirl, I am her daughter, her baby.
• “Let me leave you then. Ndiyakuthanda.”
• “I love you too, Ma,” I reply and end the call.
• No sound comes from the door again and I chuck it up to my imagination. I walk back to the bed and plop on it with the silver necklace in my grasp. My fingers stop on the half heart pendant that reads: El.
• The other half that’s hidden somewhere inside my box has Brand written on it and if I join the two together, they will form a full heart. I am not sure I want him to have it, I don’t know if I will ever get to wear mine.
• Ma and I had been excited to make the twin necklaces but now I am filled with only uncertainties. I shove the necklace under the pillow when the door opens without notice, doing my best to act normal.
• “What are you hiding?” Brand asks with his eyes darting between me and the pillow.
• “Nothing,” I reply and sit up, going on to add, “where have you been?”
• “Work. I missed you.”