Chapter 8 This Is What It Feels

• Declan finally returned home at eleven that night. He'd spent hours with Natalie, and somehow, he'd nearly forgotten that he had a home to return to. If it hadn't been for that strange feeling in his chest earlier, he might still be at Natalie's apartment, lingering over conversations with the sweet woman who had been occupying his thoughts far more often than he cared to admit.
• The moment he stepped out of his car, his gaze fell on the house. His brows drew together. It was darker than usual. Only the porch lights and a few garden lamps were still on. Sarah usually left the living room lights on even after she went to bed. Declan knew why.
• She was a little afraid of the dark when she was alone. He stepped inside in silence. The entire house was swallowed by darkness, and an inexplicable sense of unease settled over him. Then he noticed the guest room door.
• Declan's steps slowed. A strange feeling tightened in his chest as he approached. His heartbeat quickened, his mind already racing toward the worst possible conclusion. Had something happened to Sarah? He pushed the door open and reached for the light switch. The room was empty. The bed was still perfectly made. The vanity looked strangely bare, too. His uneasiness only grew.
• A small pink sticky note was caught his attention. He peeled it off and read the familiar handwriting.
• I'm going to Mom's house. She's not feeling well. Dad picked me up. Turn your phone on as soon as you can. Dad's been worried about you.
• Declan knew that handwriting by heart. Sarah. Whenever she couldn't reach him, she'd leave little notes on the refrigerator or somewhere else she knew he'd see them. He'd never thought much of it before. It had simply been Sarah being Sarah.
• Reminding him to charge his phone. Making sure his parents could reach him. Looking after things he was too careless to remember himself. How long had she been doing that?And how long had he taken it for granted? He suddenly remembered the countless messages she'd sent him in the past.
• Please reply to Mom. She misses you. You can ignore my messages if you want, but please reply to Mom, okay?
• Declan stood there in silence. Memories of Sarah's quiet attentiveness came rushing back, one after another. The woman who was now his ex-wife had always cared for him in ways so small that he'd barely noticed them. And now that she was no longer his wife... he found himself missing them.
• The realization unsettled him. He quickly finished the bottle of water he'd taken from the refrigerator, then went to wash up and change. There was only one place he wanted to go. His parents' house.
• ***
• Sarah: Where are you? Daddy is here.
• Sarah: Mom isn't feeling well. Dad said we should come over.
• Sarah: Declan...!!!
• Sarah: I'm heading to Redfin with Dad first. Come when you can, okay?
• The messages from Sarah flooded his phone the moment he turned it back on. Declan typed quickly.
• Declan: How's Mom?
• Then another message.
• Declan: I'm on my way to Mom's house.
• Only one check mark appeared. She was probably asleep by now. It was already past midnight. The drive to his parents' house took about forty minutes. When Declan arrived, the house was quiet. Most of the family had already gone to bed. Only one of the household staff, was still awake. He opened the gate and let Declan in.
• ***
• "You're still working too much, aren't you? Don't forget to take care of yourself." Norah's voice greeted him the next morning.
• She looked no better than she had the night before. Her headache was still severe, and weakness had left her confined to bed. Both, Sarah and Declan had tried to convince her to see a doctor, but Norah had refused. She insisted that it wasn't serious. She just needed more rest.
• "I should be the one telling you that, Mom." Declan sat at the edge of the bed, gently massaging his mother's feet where they rested on his lap.
• "Don't get so busy with your flowers that you forget about your health. Being sick isn't fun, you know?"
• Norah owned a flower shop not far from their home. She'd opened it to keep herself busy in her later years, and more importantly, to indulge her lifelong love of gardening.
• "But you came home the moment you heard I was sick, didn't you?" Norah's lips curved into a faint smile despite her pale complexion. "So I don't mind being a little sick if it means I get to see my son and daughter in law."
• Declan's hands stopped. He looked at his mother, clearly unimpressed.
• "Mom, you're making me sound like I'm impossible to reach. I still live in the same city."
• "Because you are difficult to reach!" Norah protested. "Your father kept calling you yesterday, but your phone was dead. Sarah said you took forever to reply to her messages, too. That's always been your habit. " She shook her head.
• "That's always been your problem. And lately, I've been worrying about you."
• "Worrying about what?"
• "I don't know. I've just had a strange feeling these past few days."
• Norah paused. "Last week, I even dreamed about you and Sarah."
• Declan's hands went still. His eyes flickered toward his mother. A dream about him and Sarah. His wife. No. His ex-wife.
• They hadn't had a chance to talk last night, so Declan had no idea whether Sarah had told Norah about their separation. Even that morning, he'd only seen her briefly. She'd already been busy making porridge for his mother.
• "What kind of dream?" Declan asked, carefully masking his expression.
• This wasn't the right time. Not when his mother was still sick. He couldn't bring himself to tell her about the divorce—not yet. He didn't want the news to make her condition worse.
• "I dreamed you and Sarah were standing there in silence. Then Jason came and kept pulling Sarah away from you."
• Norah frowned slightly, remembering. "And you just stood there. You didn't stop him. You just watched Sarah leave."
• She looked at Declan. "Nothing's wrong between you two, right?"
• "Hmm..." Declan forced a small smile. "Don't think too much about it. It was just a dream. Just something your mind came up with while you were sleeping."
• "But you're both okay, right?" Norah's voice softened. "Sarah cried last night, but she wouldn't tell me why. When I asked, she only said she was grateful to have a husband like you."
• Declan froze.
• Grateful? Sarah was grateful to have him as her husband?
• For a moment, he couldn't make sense of it. Why would she say that? How could she possibly be grateful for a husband who... had never been able to love her?
• "Mom..." Sarah's voice came from the doorway.
• Both Declan and Norah turned. Sarah stood there with a tray in her hands, a gentle smile resting on her face. Porridge and warm milk.
• "Breakfast, Mom. I made you some porridge with shredded chicken. Finish it all, okay?" Her smile never faltered.
• Declan watched her carefully. There was something painfully sincere about the way she looked at his mother. He knew that smile. Sarah was doing it for Norah. She was putting on the perfect act for the mother in law she loved so dearly.
• "Thank you, sweetheart." Norah pulled her feet from Declan's lap and sat up against the headboard. "You must be tired, having to take care of Mom all the time."
• "Not at all. It's no trouble." Sarah placed the tray down. "I cook every morning anyway."
• "Declan..." Norah turned to Declan and subtly nodded toward the bowl in Sarah's hands.
• Declan blinked. "What?"
• "Feed Sarah."
• "Huh?"
• "She fed me last night. Now it's your turn." Norah shook her head in exasperation.
• "Honestly, you're so oblivious."
• "Oh..."
• For a few seconds, Declan and Sarah stared at each other. But Sarah quickly looked away.
• "She wants me to feed her?"
• "Exactly."
• "Okay."
• She didn't want him to notice the faint redness around her eyes, the last traces of the tears she'd shed the night before. Quickly, she held out the bowl. Declan took it.
• "Mom really hasn't changed," he said with a quiet chuckle as he scooped up the first spoonful.
• Norah frowned. "What does that mean?"
• "You're so spoiled whenever you're sick."
• After thirty two years of knowing his mother, Declan knew her habits all too well.
• "Of course I am." Norah smiled. "When you're sick, you want to be pampered a little. Isn't Sarah like that when she's sick, too?"
• Sarah suddenly choked on her drink. She'd been sitting beside Norah, but now she quickly turned away, coughing into her hand. Pampered?
• Of course she wanted to be pampered, too. The problem was... Declan had never noticed. He'd never really tried to understand her. Sometimes, he hadn't even bothered to ask how she was doing.
• "Drink some water, Nia."
• Norah's concerned voice brought Sarah back. Sarah nodded quickly, poured herself a glass of water, and drank.
• "See? That's why you should drink plenty of water after eating. Otherwise, you'll choke again."
• Norah then glanced at her. "Have you eaten yet?"
• "Not yet, Mom. I'll eat later."
• "Eat first."
• "I will. After you finish your porridge and take your medicine." Sarah's answer was gentle but firm.
• Norah clearly wasn't convinced. She shifted slightly, reached for another spoon with a blue handle on the tray, and handed it to Declan.
• "Feed your wife, too."
• Declan looked at the spoon.
• "Sarah looks thinner. She must be exhausted from taking care of you."
• He stared at his mother for a moment, caught completely off guard. Then he accepted the spoon.
• "Okay."
• Sarah, however, was far more stunned. Because when she looked at Declan... he was smiling. That smile. The one that had once been her favorite. The one she'd loved seeing on his face. Declan scooped up some porridge and held the spoon out toward her. His hand stopped midway. Sarah was staring at him, her face pale, her eyes filled with confusion.
• "Open up..." His voice gently broke through her daze.
• Sarah blinked. She looked at Declan, then at Norah.
• "Come on, Sarah." His tone was calm. "Open your mouth. Mom's right. You need to eat properly, too."
• Something fluttered uneasily inside her chest. Her mind couldn't make sense of this version of Declan. He was acting... different. Strangely different. But she opened her mouth anyway. The spoon reached her lips. Her ex-husband had just fed her.
• And Declan smiled. It was only a faint smile, but there was something almost like relief in it. For a few seconds, he lowered his gaze. His thoughts scattered in every direction. It was such a simple thing.
• Something so ordinary. And yet, in two years of marriage, he'd never once done it for Sarah. Not even once.
• He'd spent so much time believing that love had to be something grand. Something he would one day feel. Something he could choose to give. But this... This quiet little moment felt strangely warm. Comforting and familiar. He couldn't explain why. He only knew that he didn't want the moment to end.
• So this... is what it feels like to feed your wife?
• ***