Chapter 3

• Trent
• We walk through the gates of the cemetery holding hands. It feels wrong in many ways. For one, I had a crush on Julia when I was a kid. I got a little sappy, trying to carry her books home from school and shit like that. So Eric took me aside in the woods one day and said, “You’re my best friend, but if you ever try to hold my sister’s books again, I’ll punch you in the eye.”
• End of Trent’s crush on Julia. Like, needle-scratching-across-an-old-record kind of full stop.
• Except it wasn’t the end. It was just the beginning.
• I admit, I jerked off to the image of Julia’s face more times than I can count back when I was a teenager. And yeah, there was that time I saw her naked. She was getting out of the shower and a bunch of us guys were hanging out in Eric's living room and I just so happened to be coming up the steps to grab my Paulet out of Eric's room and there she was with her door cracked open a little, looking through a pile of clothes on her bed.
• She didn’t know I was there right away. Took her time finding a shirt and a pair of shorts as I peeked at her like a pervert. Then when she looked up and saw me, she smiled. For a second I was like… OK. She’s naked and smiling at me. She probably wants me. I even got a little hard. I was seventeen. You can’t stop that shit when you’re seventeen.
• But then she walked over to the door. Not even embarrassed or anything. Just walked over to me with her perfect tits and nicely groomed pussy. She opened the door a little wider and yelled, “Eric! Trent’s upstairs peeking in my room!”
• There was a bunch of, “What?” “What?” “What’d she say?” from all the guys downstairs.
• Which, gotta be honest, made me panic a little. But then she kneed me in the nuts and by the time they all came upstairs to see what was happening Julia was safely behind her locked door and I was writhing on the ground like an idiot.
• Eric did one of those, “You’re an asshole,” laughs guys do when they know you deserve another punch in the eye but just got something better. Then he walked away.
• But he did make a point later of telling me if I ever peeked at his sister again, he’d sneak into my bedroom at night and cut off my dick.
• So holding her hand after his funeral is definitely up there with peeking at her naked when she was seventeen.
• I can practically hear him now. “Trent, you asshole. I’ve warned you twice already. I’m not gonna waste time with words, OK? I’m just gonna knock your fucking teeth out.”
• But I don’t let go of her hand.
• He’s not here, right? Joke’s on you, dickface. I guess that’s what you get for leaving me alone with her.
• Julia groans as we walk down the big hill into town. Calling it a town is a bit much. Back when they built our little townhome community this place was an up-and-coming suburb. The city would eventually sprawl out and then it wouldn’t be so far away from everything.
• But that’s not how it turned out. The urban sprawl ended up going west instead of east so our town is still the same as it was when we were kids.
• Eric and I came back here to set up our shop after school. Actually, I came first—he was in business school and took two more years to finish. So I rented an old garage with an apartment upstairs and that’s where I’ve lived ever since.
• It was a total dump back then but it’s really nice now. We expanded the building several years ago and added three more bays. So we now have five full-time mechanics, including Eric and me, an office manager named Karen, and a couple of kids from the mechanic school who work there for their internship.
• It’s on a side street in the middle of town. And by middle I mean at the bottom of the hill just next to the river. Which is pretty much where everything is in this town that’s not really a town. One real cross street with a few side streets on either side of the river. And we only have two stoplights. Both of them are at the top of the hills that flank the town. Technically we have three stoplights if you count the one in front of the fire station, but that one only works if there’s a fire and the engines need to get out onto the two-lane highway.
• “Why are you groaning?” I ask Julia. Because she just did it again.
• “There’s stones on the sidewalk,” she says, tiptoeing her way around the stones.
• I stop us and turn my back to her. “Get on,” I say. “I’ll carry you like the old days.”
• She laughs a little. “You never carried me on your back in your life.”
• Truth. Eric would’ve killed me. He was the one who always did that.
• But you’re not here, are you? I silently ask him. So that’s what you get for leaving us alone, jerkoff. I guess if you really wanted to keep me away from your sister you’d have stuck around.
• “I know,” I say. “But I can’t stand your whining and groaning. Now get on.”
• I look over my shoulder at her. Daring her to say no. Or maybe just glaring at her, because there’s a sudden rush of anger inside me. Anger that Eric isn’t here to stop me. Anger that maybe I want to do more to his sister than just hold her hand and give her a piggy-back ride.
• That maybe I want to take her home.
• And I know I can. No one’s gonna stop me but her.
• “Fine,” she says, placing her hands on my shoulder. She jumps and I catch her, dropping her shoes in the process.
• “Oh, shit,” she says as I hike her up on my back. Just the feeling of her legs wrapped around me gets me hard.
• And I think to myself, Trent, what the fuck is wrong with you? Her brother has been dead four days and you’re already planning to eat the forbidden fruit.
• Sure, I agree that makes me a Grade-A douchebag. But I don’t care.
• You’re not here, ha!
• I just bend down next to her shoes and say, “Grab ‘em,” and then stand back up once she’s got them in her hand. “Should we run?” I ask her.
• “No.” She laughs.
• But I’m already running. And she’s bouncing on my back, laughing, and it’s a hot summer night with no wind, so the wind I make feels cool, and good, and soothing.
• She starts to slip and I know this whole break in the sadness has a lifetime limit of maybe ten more seconds, but I make the most of those ten seconds by heading towards a large green lawn along the side of a big old house that is actually a real estate office, and fall into the grass with her, rolling around until Julia’s on her back and I’m propped up over top of her, looking down into her eyes.
• She smiles. No teeth. Like she’s waiting. Like maybe she’s been waiting her whole life for this moment.
• I lean down. Slow enough that she has time to make a decision. But fast enough that I don’t lose my nerve. And I kiss her on the lips.
• Julia and Trent’s first kiss. Walking home from Eric's funeral.
• I pull back immediately and she lets out a long breath of air. Fingertips touching her lips like she can’t believe I just did that.
• “Sorry,” I say. “I just couldn’t stop myself.”
• She nods at me, silent. The moon is out now. Shining down into her eyes. Then she says, “OK.”
• “Yeah?” I ask, knowing full well she wasn’t giving me permission. Just agreeing with my statement about not being able to stop. So I’m leading her on here, but I don’t care.
• “Sure,” she says, going down the path to hell with me. Willingly.
• I put my hand on her thigh and slide it up her leg before I come to my senses and stop.
• She tilts her head at me, questioning.
• “You should stay the night at my place. Get drunk with me. Talk about old times and shit like that.”
• Shit like that meaning… All those times I wanted to jump your bones and never could, but now I can, so I’m using this as an excuse to take you home, and put you in my bed, then fuck your brains out because I’m sad. And you’re sad. And there’s no one here to stop us now because he’s the reason we’re sad.
• “OK,” she says again.
• And again, I respond, “Yeah?”
• And she nods.
• Yes.
• I roll off her and get to my feet, extending my hand down to her. She takes it and I pull her up in one smooth motion. She’s small compared to me. Only about five foot six, maybe. And pulling her up, she is light too. Like a feather.
• We stand there on the side lawn between the real estate office house and Mrs. Cooper’s driveway, under the glow of a single yellow streetlight, and look for something in each other’s eyes.
• I’m looking for solace and I think she is too.
• So I say, “Come on. We can cut through the back yard.” And then we are eight years old again. I’m leading her through Mrs. Cooper’s back yard, half expecting her to open her window and yell at us to stop cutting through her yard because we’re making a path in her grass.
• But Mrs. Cooper doesn’t live here anymore. She lives up the hill now. One of Eric's new neighbors. Plus it’s night. Paul and Billie Freeman, who live here now, are probably over at Eric and Julia’s parents’ house for the reception.
• And we are not eight, anyway. We are both just a couple of sad, thirty-somethings who used to be someone else. And we’d give anything to be those kids again, but of course, that’s impossible.
• But maybe for one night we can pretend.