Chapter 130

• I’d also been thinking about what I’d said to Caleb, the little shit about having some respect for the mother of his child. I’d meant it, and, as I lay there, sleep far out of reach, I had been forced to look at myself. Clarissa had been a nightmare the past couple years, it was true. But I had something to answer for. At some point I’d stopped treating her with any respect. I’d gotten really focused on my own hurt and pain – and fear, of course, that she’d somehow drive a wedge between me and Kayla, or even take her away from me.
• Your sympathetic nervous system gets really activated when there are big issues like that in the balance, and you don’t trust the person you’re dealing with. I know that from the therapy I’ve been having with the team’s psychologist. We all see Nick for sports performance – for mindset, processing losses and to help optimize our game, that kind of stuff. But when the divorce process turned nasty, I started extra sessions with him focussed on my personal life too. He explained that when we’re in flight or fight mode (fight, in my case) we get really self-consumed and stop seeing the other person with any empathy or compassion. I got that, although I didn’t admit that to him in the room at the time. I’d started treating Clarissa like an enemy to be crushed, somewhere along the line. Like a force I had to protect myself from. But she’d never gone after sole custody. She’d been mean and petty, yeah, but never fundamentally unfair. And… could I even bring myself to admit it? There were times when I’d been mean and petty too, striking out in hurt and fear.
• None of that had done Kayla any good at all.