Chapter 1 Closed Eyes

• ALINA'S POV
• How did everything I worked and toiled for months all come crashing down like this?
• I pondered, as I balanced the half-full stainless bucket on the floor back to the center of the room I was staying in. It had been raining for the past few days and the leak in my room ceiling had been getting worse and worse over the months. How could I have been so blind?
• 'You could borrow some money and go back.' A voice said in my head.
• I killed the thought immediately. I couldn't borrow money without a means to pay back, that would be very foolish. In fact I couldn't go back. Not like this. What would I tell my people? My parents. No puedo. The pain would kill them. The embarrassment they'd have to face all because of my stupidity.
• Gomes had ended things between us when I told him I was pregnant a few months ago. "How did you let this happen, Alina?" He had asked coldly when I told him. "I thought you girls took pills or something to prevent something like this from happening, so why didn't you take any?"
• I had never felt so much pain before in my life. I didn't even know what to say. When did the man I loved get so cold hearted? Or was this just the side of him that I never got to see when we were dating?
• He had promised me so much when we were together. I never planned to date anyone when I arrived, what with all the warnings I had received from my mother about how men can be exploitative. I was alert and had no plan for a relationship.
• But Gomes was different, he seemed to understand exactly how I felt about all of that and was even content with us being just friends. And although he lived in America, he was of a Spanish background hence his last name; Moreno. He had asked me to help him train his Spanish accent claiming it had gotten rusty since he didn't speak much of it here.
• Part of the reason I agreed was because he was also a student in WSU and he happened to be taking a Spanish course. It was when we became friends that I realized he was just pretending to get close to me. But I had already gotten used to him so I didn't mind.
• One of the reasons was because we were in the same faculty. He was studying Marketing and Business Administration. We studied together. He had acted like he needed a lot of my help with Economics study. But when the results for that semester came out, he aced the course
• I should have known from then how manipulative he could be, just to get what he wanted.
• A few days after I informed him of the pregnancy, he sent a note to my house.It said;
• I don't think I'm ready to father a child right now, Allie, I still have a long way to go. I have a lot of plans for the future and I just can't bring myself to throw it all away just like that, that would be very selfish of me.
• I thought you were different and smart. But it seems you weren't sharp enough to do the right things. Don't bother writing to me again. I love you but I just can't abandon my life right now. This should be enough for you to take care of the pregnancy. I think it's all for the best.
• Inside the note was five hundred dollars.
• I read that note over and over, refusing to accept that it was Gomes who had sent it. But after a week of crying and waiting foolishly, comprehension dawned on me.
• Gomes had left Washington, he had disappeared completely from my reach, without a trace. He ran. Like the coward he was. Never to come back again. I was alone.
• Maybe he was right, because I was feeling really foolish.
• I gave a start when I heard a knock on my door.
• My face felt awfully cold, I touched it and realized that I had been crying all this time.
• Who would be knocking this early? It was a Sunday after all and I wasn't expecting anyone. I staggered to my feet. My body was a bit heavier now that I was two months gone.
• Reaching to the door, I unlocked and opened it without asking who it was. Nothing could surprise me anymore.
• I was wrong.
• Nobody was at the door. Heaving a sigh of frustration, I made to close it. But on second glance there was something. On the floor, it looked like a letter.
• There was no post on Sundays, so who would have sent this? Still wondering, I bent over painfully, and picked it up. My waist pain was getting worse by the week.
• I studied the envelope. It was very neat. This wasn't a bill. I opened it and saw the WSU seal on the back.
• Hmm. I wasn't supposed to receive my scholarship money till the start of next semester.
• I read.
• 600 SW Crestview St,
• Pullman, WA 99163
• Greetings,
• We apologize for sending you mail on a Sunday morning, as we know it might be bothersome. However, as per this institution's policy, the boarding members of Washington State University have decided to terminate the scholarship of Katalina Sofía Diaz from the institution. This termination will be effective from two weeks of receipt of this letter, seeing as the session will end on the 1st of August, 2020.
• The school sets some certain rules and regulations for the scholarship students and we require the students to adhere to these rules.
• We have been checking the student's progress sheet and report card and we find that the student has failed to maintain the satisfactory progress required.
• We also learned that the student has failed to appear in tests held and has also failed to give any necessary reasons.
• We are deeply sad to have to make this decision. We have always strived to work towards the students' benefits and encouraged them to make progress in their career paths.
• Please accept our apologies.
• Wishing you all the best for your future.
• Thank you very much.
• Washington State University.
• I read the letter three times before forcing myself to stop.
• I had missed lessons for the past months.
• And I also missed my Accounting test when I went for a check-up two weeks ago.
• I was broken.
• What would my parents say? They were so happy when my scholarship letter arrived last year. How could such a promising life end in just a year? Now not only was I pregnant, I was no longer a student.
• Even if I saved some money and travelled back to Colombia, what would I say?, Papa would probably die from a heart attack by only just seeing me. I tried to imagine their faces. They would be disgusted, ashamed and would even be made fun of by the people of Salamina.
• For a minute I pondered suicide. There was a bottle of aspirin on the top shelf anyway. Just ten pills in my mouth and a gulp of water and all of this would cease to be my problem. I could be free from all of this, from the shame, the pain, the neglect and even this pregnancy.
• It was all my fault after all. Maybe I deserved to die.
• But I couldn't do that to my parents. They were my world. They were the reason I was here in Washington in the first place. I just couldn't.
• A sudden rush of guilt flowed through me.
• I was actually considering taking my own life. That would definitely end my parents.
• 'How could you even think about setting yourself free after all of this'. I thought, as tears flowed down my cheeks.
• No.
• I was stronger than this.
• My stomach rumbled. I had not eaten anything since today and it was already 11:50AM. I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Nothing. Then the cupboard.
• The only thing there was a sachet of chocolate and some left over bread that had obviously gone stale.
• I sighed. It would have to do.
• It had stopped raining. I went back to the room and picked the bucket from the floor, the water was clear. I had been behind on my utility bills so I decided to use it. It would just have to serve this morning.
• I got out of my clothes with some difficulty and went into the bathroom to take a bath. As I closed the door, all the lights went out.
• I hadn't paid my electricity bills for last month either.
• I groaned in frustration, I'll just have to bathe in darkness today. As I bathed, my entire body shook from how chilly the water was on my skin. I bit hard on my lip, trying to hold back the tears, but they poured anyway.
• If I could just go back. I closed my eyes.