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Chapter 36 A continuation of the answer of the Ephectic and Pyrrhonia_hilosopher Trouillogan

  • You speak wisely, quoth Panurge, if the moon were green cheese. Such a tal_nce pissed my goose. I do not think but that I am let down into that dark pi_n the lowermost bottom whereof the truth was hid, according to the saying o_eraclitus. I see no whit at all, I hear nothing, understand as little, m_enses are altogether dulled and blunted; truly I do very shrewdly suspec_hat I am enchanted. I will now alter the former style of my discourse, an_alk to him in another strain. Our trusty friend, stir not, nor imburse any; but let us vary the chance, and speak without disjunctives. I see already tha_hese loose and ill-joined members of an enunciation do vex, trouble, an_erplex you.
  • Now go on, in the name of God! Should I marry?
  • **Trouillogan.** There is some likelihood therein.
  • **Panurge.** But if I do not marry?
  • **Trouil.** I see in that no inconvenience.
  • **Pan.** You do not?
  • **Trouil.** None, truly, if my eyes deceive me not.
  • **Pan.** Yea, but I find more than five hundred.
  • **Trouil.** Reckon them.
  • **Pan.** This is an impropriety of speech, I confess; for I do no more thereb_ut take a certain for an uncertain number, and posit the determinate term fo_hat is indeterminate. When I say, therefore, five hundred, my meaning i_any.
  • **Trouil.** I hear you.
  • **Pan.** Is it possible for me to live without a wife, in the name of all th_ubterranean devils?
  • **Trouil.** Away with these filthy beasts.
  • **Pan.** Let it be, then, in the name of God; for my Salmigondinish people us_o say, To lie alone, without a wife, is certainly a brutish life. And such _ife also was it assevered to be by Dido in her lamentations.
  • **Trouil.** At your command.
  • **Pan.** By the pody cody, I have fished fair; where are we now? But will
  • you tell me? Shall I marry?
  • **Trouil.** Perhaps.
  • **Pan.** Shall I thrive or speed well withal?
  • **Trouil.** According to the encounter.
  • **Pan.** But if in my adventure I encounter aright, as I hope I will, shall _e fortunate?
  • **Trouil.** Enough.
  • **Pan.** Let us turn the clean contrary way, and brush our former words
  • against the wool: what if I encounter ill?
  • **Trouil.** Then blame not me.
  • **Pan.** But, of courtesy, be pleased to give me some advice. I heartil_eseech you, what must I do?
  • **Trouil.** Even what thou wilt.
  • **Pan.** Wishy, washy; trolly, trolly.
  • **Trouil.** Do not invocate the name of anything, I pray you.
  • **Pan.** In the name of God, let it be so! My actions shall be regulated b_he rule and square of your counsel. What is it that you advise and counsel m_o do?
  • **Trouil.** Nothing.
  • **Pan.** Shall I marry?
  • **Trouil.** I have no hand in it.
  • **Pan.** Then shall I not marry?
  • **Trouil.** I cannot help it.
  • **Pan.** If I never marry, I shall never be a cuckold.
  • **Trouil.** I thought so.
  • **Pan.** But put the case that I be married.
  • **Trouil.** Where shall we put it?
  • **Pan.** Admit it be so, then, and take my meaning in that sense.
  • **Trouil.** I am otherwise employed.
  • **Pan.** By the death of a hog, and mother of a toad, O Lord! if I durs_azard upon a little fling at the swearing game, though privily and unde_humb, it would lighten the burden of my heart and ease my lights and rein_xceedingly. A little patience nevertheless is requisite. Well then, if _arry, I shall be a cuckold.
  • **Trouil.** One would say so.
  • **Pan.** Yet if my wife prove a virtuous, wise, discreet, and chaste woman, _hall never be cuckolded.
  • **Trouil.** I think you speak congruously.
  • **Pan.** Hearken.
  • **Trouil.** As much as you will.
  • **Pan.** Will she be discreet and chaste? This is the only point I would be
  • resolved in.
  • **Trouil.** I question it.
  • **Pan.** You never saw her?
  • **Trouil.** Not that I know of.
  • **Pan.** Why do you then doubt of that which you know not?
  • **Trouil.** For a cause.
  • **Pan.** And if you should know her.
  • **Trouil.** Yet more.
  • **Pan.** Page, my pretty little darling, take here my cap,—I give it thee.
  • Have a care you do not break the spectacles that are in it. Go down to th_ower court. Swear there half an hour for me, and I shall in compensation o_hat favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt. But who shal_uckold me?
  • **Trouil.** Somebody.
  • **Pan.** By the belly of the wooden horse at Troy, Master Somebody, I shal_ang, belam thee, and claw thee well for thy labour.
  • **Trouil.** You say so.
  • **Pan.** Nay, nay, that Nick in the dark cellar, who hath no white in his eye, carry me quite away with him if, in that case, whensoever I go abroad from th_alace of my domestic residence, I do not, with as much circumspection as the_se to ring mares in our country to keep them from being sallied by stone_orses, clap a Bergamasco lock upon my wife.
  • **Trouil.** Talk better.
  • **Pan.** It is bien chien, chie chante, well cacked and cackled, shitten, an_ung in matter of talk. Let us resolve on somewhat.
  • **Trouil.** I do not gainsay it.
  • **Pan.** Have a little patience. Seeing I cannot on this side draw any bloo_f you, I will try if with the lancet of my judgment I be able to bleed you i_nother vein. Are you married, or are you not?
  • **Trouil.** Neither the one nor the other, and both together.
  • **Pan.** O the good God help us! By the death of a buffle-ox, I sweat with th_oil and travail that I am put to, and find my digestion broke off, disturbed, and interrupted, for all my phrenes, metaphrenes, and diaphragms, back, belly, midriff, muscles, veins, and sinews are held in a suspense and for a whil_ischarged from their proper offices to stretch forth their several powers an_bilities for incornifistibulating and laying up into the hamper of m_nderstanding your various sayings and answers.
  • **Trouil.** I shall be no hinderer thereof.
  • **Pan.** Tush, for shame! Our faithful friend, speak; are you married?
  • **Trouil.** I think so.
  • **Pan.** You were also married before you had this wife?
  • **Trouil.** It is possible.
  • **Pan.** Had you good luck in your first marriage?
  • **Trouil.** It is not impossible.
  • **Pan.** How thrive you with this second wife of yours?
  • **Trouil.** Even as it pleaseth my fatal destiny.
  • **Pan.** But what, in good earnest? Tell me—do you prosper well with her?
  • **Trouil.** It is likely.
  • **Pan.** Come on, in the name of God. I vow, by the burden of Sain_hristopher, that I had rather undertake the fetching of a fart forth of th_elly of a dead ass than to draw out of you a positive and determinat_esolution. Yet shall I be sure at this time to have a snatch at you, and ge_y claws over you. Our trusty friend, let us shame the devil of hell, an_onfess the verity. Were you ever a cuckold? I say, you who are here, and no_hat other you who playeth below in the tennis-court?
  • **Trouil.** No, if it was not predestinated.
  • **Pan.** By the flesh, blood, and body, I swear, reswear, forswear, abjure, and renounce, he evades and avoids, shifts, and escapes me, and quite slip_nd winds himself out of my grips and clutches.
  • At these words Gargantua arose and said, Praised be the good God in al_hings, but especially for bringing the world into that height of refinednes_eyond what it was when I first came to be acquainted therewith, that now th_earnedst and most prudent philosophers are not ashamed to be seen entering i_t the porches and frontispieces of the schools of the Pyrrhonian, Aporrhetic, Sceptic, and Ephectic sects. Blessed be the holy name of God! Veritably, it i_ike henceforth to be found an enterprise of much more easy undertaking t_atch lions by the neck, horses by the main, oxen by the horns, bulls by th_uzzle, wolves by the tail, goats by the beard, and flying birds by the feet, than to entrap such philosophers in their words. Farewell, my worthy, dear, and honest friends.
  • When he had done thus speaking, he withdrew himself from the company.
  • Pantagruel and others with him would have followed and accompanied him, but h_ould not permit them so to do. No sooner was Gargantua departed out of th_anqueting-hall than that Pantagruel said to the invited guests: Plato'_imaeus, at the beginning always of a solemn festival convention, was wont t_ount those that were called thereto. We, on the contrary, shall at th_losure and end of this treatment reckon up our number. One, two, three; wher_s the fourth? I miss my friend Bridlegoose. Was not he sent for? Epistemo_nswered that he had been at his house to bid and invite him, but could no_eet with him; for that a messenger from the parliament of Mirlingois, i_irlingues, was come to him with a writ of summons to cite and warn hi_ersonally to appear before the reverend senators of the high court there, t_indicate and justify himself at the bar of the crime of prevarication laid t_is charge, and to be peremptorily instanced against him in a certain decree, judgment, or sentence lately awarded, given, and pronounced by him; and that, therefore, he had taken horse and departed in great haste from his own house, to the end that without peril or danger of falling into a default or contumac_e might be the better able to keep the prefixed and appointed time.
  • I will, quoth Pantagruel, understand how that matter goeth. It is now abov_orty years that he hath been constantly the judge of Fonsbeton, during whic_pace of time he hath given four thousand definitive sentences, of tw_housand three hundred and nine whereof, although appeal was made by th_arties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferior judicatory to th_upreme court of the parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues, they were all o_hem nevertheless confirmed, ratified, and approved of by an order, decree, and final sentence of the said sovereign court, to the casting of th_ppellants, and utter overthrow of the suits wherein they had been foiled a_aw, for ever and a day. That now in his old age he should be personall_ummoned, who in all the foregoing time of his life hath demeaned himself s_nblamably in the discharge of the office and vocation he had been calle_nto, it cannot assuredly be that such a change hath happened without som_otorious misfortune and disaster. I am resolved to help and assist him i_quity and justice to the uttermost extent of my power and ability. I know th_alice, despite, and wickedness of the world to be so much more nowaday_xasperated, increased, and aggravated by what it was not long since, that th_est cause that is, how just and equitable soever it be, standeth in grea_eed to be succoured, aided, and supported. Therefore presently, from thi_ery instant forth, do I purpose, till I see the event and closure thereof, most heedfully to attend and wait upon it, for fear of some underhand trick_urprisal, cavilling pettifoggery, or fallacious quirks in law, to hi_etriment, hurt, or disadvantage.
  • Then dinner being done, and the tables drawn and removed, when Pantagruel ha_ery cordially and affectionately thanked his invited guests for the favou_hich he had enjoyed of their company, he presented them with several rich an_ostly gifts, such as jewels, rings set with precious stones, gold and silve_essels, with a great deal of other sort of plate besides, and lastly, takin_f them all his leave, retired himself into an inner chamber.