Chapter 36 A continuation of the answer of the Ephectic and Pyrrhonia_hilosopher Trouillogan
You speak wisely, quoth Panurge, if the moon were green cheese. Such a tal_nce pissed my goose. I do not think but that I am let down into that dark pi_n the lowermost bottom whereof the truth was hid, according to the saying o_eraclitus. I see no whit at all, I hear nothing, understand as little, m_enses are altogether dulled and blunted; truly I do very shrewdly suspec_hat I am enchanted. I will now alter the former style of my discourse, an_alk to him in another strain. Our trusty friend, stir not, nor imburse any; but let us vary the chance, and speak without disjunctives. I see already tha_hese loose and ill-joined members of an enunciation do vex, trouble, an_erplex you.
Now go on, in the name of God! Should I marry?
**Trouillogan.** There is some likelihood therein.
**Panurge.** But if I do not marry?
**Trouil.** I see in that no inconvenience.
**Pan.** You do not?
**Trouil.** None, truly, if my eyes deceive me not.
**Pan.** Yea, but I find more than five hundred.
**Trouil.** Reckon them.
**Pan.** This is an impropriety of speech, I confess; for I do no more thereb_ut take a certain for an uncertain number, and posit the determinate term fo_hat is indeterminate. When I say, therefore, five hundred, my meaning i_any.
**Trouil.** I hear you.
**Pan.** Is it possible for me to live without a wife, in the name of all th_ubterranean devils?
**Trouil.** Away with these filthy beasts.
**Pan.** Let it be, then, in the name of God; for my Salmigondinish people us_o say, To lie alone, without a wife, is certainly a brutish life. And such _ife also was it assevered to be by Dido in her lamentations.
**Trouil.** At your command.
**Pan.** By the pody cody, I have fished fair; where are we now? But will
you tell me? Shall I marry?
**Pan.** Shall I thrive or speed well withal?
**Trouil.** According to the encounter.
**Pan.** But if in my adventure I encounter aright, as I hope I will, shall _e fortunate?
**Pan.** Let us turn the clean contrary way, and brush our former words
against the wool: what if I encounter ill?
**Trouil.** Then blame not me.
**Pan.** But, of courtesy, be pleased to give me some advice. I heartil_eseech you, what must I do?
**Trouil.** Even what thou wilt.
**Pan.** Wishy, washy; trolly, trolly.
**Trouil.** Do not invocate the name of anything, I pray you.
**Pan.** In the name of God, let it be so! My actions shall be regulated b_he rule and square of your counsel. What is it that you advise and counsel m_o do?
**Pan.** Shall I marry?
**Trouil.** I have no hand in it.
**Pan.** Then shall I not marry?
**Trouil.** I cannot help it.
**Pan.** If I never marry, I shall never be a cuckold.
**Trouil.** I thought so.
**Pan.** But put the case that I be married.
**Trouil.** Where shall we put it?
**Pan.** Admit it be so, then, and take my meaning in that sense.
**Trouil.** I am otherwise employed.
**Pan.** By the death of a hog, and mother of a toad, O Lord! if I durs_azard upon a little fling at the swearing game, though privily and unde_humb, it would lighten the burden of my heart and ease my lights and rein_xceedingly. A little patience nevertheless is requisite. Well then, if _arry, I shall be a cuckold.
**Trouil.** One would say so.
**Pan.** Yet if my wife prove a virtuous, wise, discreet, and chaste woman, _hall never be cuckolded.
**Trouil.** I think you speak congruously.
**Trouil.** As much as you will.
**Pan.** Will she be discreet and chaste? This is the only point I would be
**Trouil.** I question it.
**Pan.** You never saw her?
**Trouil.** Not that I know of.
**Pan.** Why do you then doubt of that which you know not?
**Trouil.** For a cause.
**Pan.** And if you should know her.
**Trouil.** Yet more.
**Pan.** Page, my pretty little darling, take here my cap,—I give it thee.
Have a care you do not break the spectacles that are in it. Go down to th_ower court. Swear there half an hour for me, and I shall in compensation o_hat favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt. But who shal_uckold me?
**Pan.** By the belly of the wooden horse at Troy, Master Somebody, I shal_ang, belam thee, and claw thee well for thy labour.
**Trouil.** You say so.
**Pan.** Nay, nay, that Nick in the dark cellar, who hath no white in his eye, carry me quite away with him if, in that case, whensoever I go abroad from th_alace of my domestic residence, I do not, with as much circumspection as the_se to ring mares in our country to keep them from being sallied by stone_orses, clap a Bergamasco lock upon my wife.
**Trouil.** Talk better.
**Pan.** It is bien chien, chie chante, well cacked and cackled, shitten, an_ung in matter of talk. Let us resolve on somewhat.
**Trouil.** I do not gainsay it.
**Pan.** Have a little patience. Seeing I cannot on this side draw any bloo_f you, I will try if with the lancet of my judgment I be able to bleed you i_nother vein. Are you married, or are you not?
**Trouil.** Neither the one nor the other, and both together.
**Pan.** O the good God help us! By the death of a buffle-ox, I sweat with th_oil and travail that I am put to, and find my digestion broke off, disturbed, and interrupted, for all my phrenes, metaphrenes, and diaphragms, back, belly, midriff, muscles, veins, and sinews are held in a suspense and for a whil_ischarged from their proper offices to stretch forth their several powers an_bilities for incornifistibulating and laying up into the hamper of m_nderstanding your various sayings and answers.
**Trouil.** I shall be no hinderer thereof.
**Pan.** Tush, for shame! Our faithful friend, speak; are you married?
**Trouil.** I think so.
**Pan.** You were also married before you had this wife?
**Trouil.** It is possible.
**Pan.** Had you good luck in your first marriage?
**Trouil.** It is not impossible.
**Pan.** How thrive you with this second wife of yours?
**Trouil.** Even as it pleaseth my fatal destiny.
**Pan.** But what, in good earnest? Tell me—do you prosper well with her?
**Trouil.** It is likely.
**Pan.** Come on, in the name of God. I vow, by the burden of Sain_hristopher, that I had rather undertake the fetching of a fart forth of th_elly of a dead ass than to draw out of you a positive and determinat_esolution. Yet shall I be sure at this time to have a snatch at you, and ge_y claws over you. Our trusty friend, let us shame the devil of hell, an_onfess the verity. Were you ever a cuckold? I say, you who are here, and no_hat other you who playeth below in the tennis-court?
**Trouil.** No, if it was not predestinated.
**Pan.** By the flesh, blood, and body, I swear, reswear, forswear, abjure, and renounce, he evades and avoids, shifts, and escapes me, and quite slip_nd winds himself out of my grips and clutches.
At these words Gargantua arose and said, Praised be the good God in al_hings, but especially for bringing the world into that height of refinednes_eyond what it was when I first came to be acquainted therewith, that now th_earnedst and most prudent philosophers are not ashamed to be seen entering i_t the porches and frontispieces of the schools of the Pyrrhonian, Aporrhetic, Sceptic, and Ephectic sects. Blessed be the holy name of God! Veritably, it i_ike henceforth to be found an enterprise of much more easy undertaking t_atch lions by the neck, horses by the main, oxen by the horns, bulls by th_uzzle, wolves by the tail, goats by the beard, and flying birds by the feet, than to entrap such philosophers in their words. Farewell, my worthy, dear, and honest friends.
When he had done thus speaking, he withdrew himself from the company.
Pantagruel and others with him would have followed and accompanied him, but h_ould not permit them so to do. No sooner was Gargantua departed out of th_anqueting-hall than that Pantagruel said to the invited guests: Plato'_imaeus, at the beginning always of a solemn festival convention, was wont t_ount those that were called thereto. We, on the contrary, shall at th_losure and end of this treatment reckon up our number. One, two, three; wher_s the fourth? I miss my friend Bridlegoose. Was not he sent for? Epistemo_nswered that he had been at his house to bid and invite him, but could no_eet with him; for that a messenger from the parliament of Mirlingois, i_irlingues, was come to him with a writ of summons to cite and warn hi_ersonally to appear before the reverend senators of the high court there, t_indicate and justify himself at the bar of the crime of prevarication laid t_is charge, and to be peremptorily instanced against him in a certain decree, judgment, or sentence lately awarded, given, and pronounced by him; and that, therefore, he had taken horse and departed in great haste from his own house, to the end that without peril or danger of falling into a default or contumac_e might be the better able to keep the prefixed and appointed time.
I will, quoth Pantagruel, understand how that matter goeth. It is now abov_orty years that he hath been constantly the judge of Fonsbeton, during whic_pace of time he hath given four thousand definitive sentences, of tw_housand three hundred and nine whereof, although appeal was made by th_arties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferior judicatory to th_upreme court of the parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues, they were all o_hem nevertheless confirmed, ratified, and approved of by an order, decree, and final sentence of the said sovereign court, to the casting of th_ppellants, and utter overthrow of the suits wherein they had been foiled a_aw, for ever and a day. That now in his old age he should be personall_ummoned, who in all the foregoing time of his life hath demeaned himself s_nblamably in the discharge of the office and vocation he had been calle_nto, it cannot assuredly be that such a change hath happened without som_otorious misfortune and disaster. I am resolved to help and assist him i_quity and justice to the uttermost extent of my power and ability. I know th_alice, despite, and wickedness of the world to be so much more nowaday_xasperated, increased, and aggravated by what it was not long since, that th_est cause that is, how just and equitable soever it be, standeth in grea_eed to be succoured, aided, and supported. Therefore presently, from thi_ery instant forth, do I purpose, till I see the event and closure thereof, most heedfully to attend and wait upon it, for fear of some underhand trick_urprisal, cavilling pettifoggery, or fallacious quirks in law, to hi_etriment, hurt, or disadvantage.
Then dinner being done, and the tables drawn and removed, when Pantagruel ha_ery cordially and affectionately thanked his invited guests for the favou_hich he had enjoyed of their company, he presented them with several rich an_ostly gifts, such as jewels, rings set with precious stones, gold and silve_essels, with a great deal of other sort of plate besides, and lastly, takin_f them all his leave, retired himself into an inner chamber.