Chapter 27 How Friar John merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge
By Saint Rigomet, quoth Friar John, I do advise thee to nothing, my dea_riend Panurge, which I would not do myself were I in thy place. Only have _pecial care, and take good heed thou solder well together the joints of th_ouble-backed and two-bellied beast, and fortify thy nerves so strongly, tha_here be no discontinuance in the knocks of the venerean thwacking, else tho_rt lost, poor soul. For if there pass long intervals betwixt the priapizin_eats, and that thou make an intermission of too large a time, that wil_efall thee which betides the nurses if they desist from giving suck t_hildren—they lose their milk; and if continually thou do not hold th_spersory tool in exercise, and keep thy mentul going, thy lacticinian necta_ill be gone, and it will serve thee only as a pipe to piss out at, and th_ods for a wallet of lesser value than a beggar's scrip. This is a certai_ruth I tell thee, friend, and doubt not of it; for myself have seen the sa_xperiment thereof in many, who cannot now do what they would, because befor_hey did not what they might have done: Ex desuetudine amittuntur privilegia.
Non-usage oftentimes destroys one's right, say the learned doctors of the law;
therefore, my billy, entertain as well as possibly thou canst tha_ypogastrian lower sort of troglodytic people, that their chief pleasure ma_e placed in the case of sempiternal labouring. Give order that hencefort_hey live not, like idle gentlemen, idly upon their rents and revenues, bu_hat they may work for their livelihood by breaking ground within the Paphia_renches. Nay truly, answered Panurge, Friar John, my left ballock, I wil_elieve thee, for thou dealest plain with me, and fallest downright squar_pon the business, without going about the bush with frivolous circumstance_nd unnecessary reservations. Thou with the splendour of a piercing wit has_issipated all the lowering clouds of anxious apprehensions and suspicion_hich did intimidate and terrify me; therefore the heavens be pleased to gran_o thee at all she-conflicts a stiff-standing fortune. Well then, as thou has_aid, so will I do; I will, in good faith, marry,—in that point there shall b_o failing, I promise thee,—and shall have always by me pretty girls clothe_ith the name of my wife's waiting-maids, that, lying under thy wings, tho_ayest be night-protector of their sisterhood.
Let this serve for the first part of the sermon. Hearken, quoth Friar John, t_he oracle of the bells of Varenes. What say they? I hear and understand them,
quoth Panurge; their sound is, by my thirst, more uprightly fatidical tha_hat of Jove's great kettles in Dodona. Hearken! Take thee a wife, take thee _ife, and marry, marry, marry; for if thou marry, thou shalt find goo_herein, herein, here in a wife thou shalt find good; so marry, marry. I wil_ssure thee that I shall be married; all the elements invite and prompt me t_t. Let this word be to thee a brazen wall, by diffidence not to be broke_hrough. As for the second part of this our doctrine,—thou seemest in som_easure to mistrust the readiness of my paternity in the practising of m_lacket-racket within the Aphrodisian tennis-court at all times fitting, as i_he stiff god of gardens were not favourable to me. I pray thee, favour me s_uch as to believe that I still have him at a beck, attending always m_ommandments, docile, obedient, vigorous, and active in all things an_verywhere, and never stubborn or refractory to my will or pleasure. I need n_ore but to let go the reins, and slacken the leash, which is the belly-point,
and when the game is shown unto him, say, Hey, Jack, to thy booty! he will no_ail even then to flesh himself upon his prey, and tuzzle it to some purpose.
Hereby you may perceive, although my future wife were as unsatiable an_luttonous in her voluptuousness and the delights of venery as ever was th_mpress Messalina, or yet the Marchioness (of Oincester) in England, and _esire thee to give credit to it, that I lack not for what is requisite t_verlay the stomach of her lust, but have wherewith aboundingly to please her.
I am not ignorant that Solomon said, who indeed of that matter speaket_lerklike and learnedly,—as also how Aristotle after him declared for a trut_hat, for the greater part, the lechery of a woman is ravenous an_nsatisfiable. Nevertheless, let such as are my friends who read thos_assages receive from me for a most real verity, that I for such a Jill have _it Jack; and that, if women's things cannot be satiated, I have an instrumen_ndefatigable,—an implement as copious in the giving as can in craving b_heir vade mecums. Do not here produce ancient examples of the paragons o_aillardice, and offer to match with my testiculatory ability the Priapaea_rowess of the fabulous fornicators, Hercules, Proculus Caesar, and Mahomet,
who in his Alkoran doth vaunt that in his cods he had the vigour of thre_core bully ruffians; but let no zealous Christian trust the rogue,—the filth_ibald rascal is a liar. Nor shalt thou need to urge authorities, or brin_orth the instance of the Indian prince of whom Theophrastus, Plinius, an_thenaeus testify, that with the help of a certain herb he was able, and ha_iven frequent experiments thereof, to toss his sinewy piece of generation i_he act of carnal concupiscence above three score and ten times in the spac_f four-and-twenty hours. Of that I believe nothing, the number i_upposititious, and too prodigally foisted in. Give no faith unto it, _eseech thee, but prithee trust me in this, and thy credulity therein shal_ot be wronged, for it is true, and probatum est, that my pioneer o_ature—the sacred ithyphallian champion —is of all stiff-intruding blades th_rimest. Come hither, my ballocket, and hearken. Didst thou ever see the mon_f Castre's cowl? When in any house it was laid down, whether openly in th_iew of all or covertly out of the sight of any, such was the ineffable virtu_hereof for excitating and stirring up the people of both sexes unto lechery,
that the whole inhabitants and indwellers, not only of that, but likewise o_ll the circumjacent places thereto, within three leagues around it, di_uddenly enter into rut, both beasts and folks, men and women, even to th_ogs and hogs, rats and cats.
I swear to thee that many times heretofore I have perceived and found in m_odpiece a certain kind of energy or efficacious virtue much more irregula_nd of a greater anomaly than what I have related. I will not speak to the_ither of house or cottage, nor of church or market, but only tell thee, tha_nce at the representation of the Passion, which was acted at Saint Maxents, _ad no sooner entered within the pit of the theatre, but that forthwith, b_he virtue and occult property of it, on a sudden all that were there, bot_layers and spectators, did fall into such an exorbitant temptation of lust,
that there was not angel, man, devil, nor deviless upon the place who woul_ot then have bricollitched it with all their heart and soul. The prompte_orsook his copy, he who played Michael's part came down to rights, the devil_ssued out of hell and carried along with them most of the pretty little girl_hat were there; yea, Lucifer got out of his fetters; in a word, seeing th_uge disorder, I disparked myself forth of that enclosed place, in imitatio_f Cato the Censor, who perceiving, by reason of his presence, the Floralia_estivals out of order, withdrew himself.