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Chapter 23 How Panurge maketh the motion of a return to Raminagrobis

  • Let us return, quoth Panurge, not ceasing, to the uttermost of our abilities,
  • to ply him with wholesome admonitions for the furtherance of his salvation.
  • Let us go back, for God's sake; let us go, in the name of God. It will be _ery meritorious work, and of great charity in us to deal so in the matter,
  • and provide so well for him that, albeit he come to lose both body and life,
  • he may at least escape the risk and danger of the eternal damnation of hi_oul. We will by our holy persuasions bring him to a sense and feeling of hi_scapes, induce him to acknowledge his faults, move him to a cordia_epentance of his errors, and stir up in him such a sincere contrition o_eart for his offences, as will prompt him with all earnestness to cry mercy,
  • and to beg pardon at the hands of the good fathers, as well of the absent a_f such as are present. Whereupon we will take instrument formally an_uthentically extended, to the end he be not, after his decease, declared a_eretic, and condemned, as were the hobgoblins of the provost's wife o_rleans, to the undergoing of such punishments, pains, and tortures as are du_o and inflicted on those that inhabit the horrid cells of the inferna_egions; and withal incline, instigate, and persuade him to bequeath and leav_n legacy (by way of an amends and satisfaction for the outrage and injur_one to those good religious fathers throughout all the convents, cloisters,
  • and monasteries of this province), many bribes, a great deal of mass-singing,
  • store of obits, and that sempiternally, on the anniversary day of his decease,
  • every one of them all be furnished with a quintuple allowance, and that th_reat borachio replenished with the best liquor trudge apace along the tables,
  • as well of the young duckling monkitoes, lay brothers, and lowermost degree o_he abbey lubbards, as of the learned priests and reverend clerks,—the ver_eanest of the novices and mitiants unto the order being equally admitted t_he benefit of those funerary and obsequial festivals with the aged rector_nd professed fathers. This is the surest ordinary means whereby from God h_ay obtain forgiveness. Ho, ho, I am quite mistaken; I digress from th_urpose, and fly out of my discourse, as if my spirits were a-wool-gathering.
  • The devil take me, if I go thither! Virtue God! The chamber is already full o_evils. O what a swinging, thwacking noise is now amongst them! O the terribl_oil that they keep! Hearken, do you not hear the rustling, thumping bustle o_heir strokes and blows, as they scuffle with one another, like true devil_ndeed, who shall gulp up the Raminagrobis soul, and be the first bringer o_t, whilst it is hot, to Monsieur Lucifer? Beware, and get you hence! for m_art, I will not go thither. The devil roast me if I go! Who knows but tha_hese hungry mad devils may in the haste of their rage and fury of thei_mpatience take a qui for a quo, and instead of Raminagrobis snatch up poo_anurge frank and free? Though formerly, when I was deep in debt, they alway_ailed. Get you hence! I will not go thither. Before God, the very bar_pprehension thereof is like to kill me. To be in a place where there ar_reedy, famished, and hunger-starved devils; amongst factious devils—amids_rading and trafficking devils—O the Lord preserve me! Get you hence! I dar_awn my credit on it, that no Jacobin, Cordelier, Carmelite, Capuchin,
  • Theatin, or Minim will bestow any personal presence at his interment. Th_iser they, because he hath ordained nothing for them in his latter will an_estament. The devil take me, if I go thither. If he be damned, to his ow_oss and hindrance be it. What the deuce moved him to be so snappish an_epravedly bent against the good fathers of the true religion? Why did he cas_hem off, reject them, and drive them quite out of his chamber, even in tha_ery nick of time when he stood in greatest need of the aid, suffrage, an_ssistance of their devout prayers and holy admonitions? Why did not he b_estament leave them, at least, some jolly lumps and cantles of substantia_eat, a parcel of cheek-puffing victuals, and a little belly-timber an_rovision for the guts of these poor folks, who have nothing but their life i_his world? Let him go thither who will, the devil take me if I go; for, if _hould, the devil would not fail to snatch me up. Cancro. Ho, the pox! Get yo_ence, Friar John! Art thou content that thirty thousand wainload of devil_hould get away with thee at this same very instant? If thou be, at my reques_o these three things. First, give me thy purse; for besides that thy money i_arked with crosses, and the cross is an enemy to charms, the same may befal_o thee which not long ago happened to John Dodin, collector of the excise o_oudray, at the ford of Vede, when the soldiers broke the planks. This moneye_ellow, meeting at the very brink of the bank of the ford with Friar Ada_rankcod, a Franciscan observantin of Mirebeau, promised him a new frock,
  • provided that in the transporting of him over the water he would bear him upo_is neck and shoulders, after the manner of carrying dead goats; for he was _usty, strong-limbed, sturdy rogue. The condition being agreed upon, Fria_rankcod trusseth himself up to his very ballocks, and layeth upon his back,
  • like a fair little Saint Christopher, the load of the said supplicant Dodin,
  • and so carried him gaily and with a good will, as Aeneas bore his fathe_nchises through the conflagration of Troy, singing in the meanwhile a prett_ve Maris Stella. When they were in the very deepest place of all the ford, _ittle above the master-wheel of the water-mill, he asked if he had any coi_bout him. Yes, quoth Dodin, a whole bagful; and that he needed not t_istrust his ability in the performance of the promise which he had made unt_im concerning a new frock. How! quoth Friar Crankcod, thou knowest wel_nough that by the express rules, canons, and injunctions of our order we ar_orbidden to carry on us any kind of money. Thou art truly unhappy, for havin_ade me in this point to commit a heinous trespass. Why didst thou not leav_hy purse with the miller? Without fail thou shalt presently receive th_eward for it; and if ever hereafter I may but lay hold upon thee within th_imits of our chancel at Mirebeau, thou shalt have the Miserere even to th_itulos. With this, suddenly discharging himself of his burden, he throws m_own your Dodin headlong. Take example by this Dodin, my dear friend Fria_ohn, to the end that the devils may the better carry thee away at thine ow_ase. Give me thy purse. Carry no manner of cross upon thee. Therein lieth a_vident and manifestly apparent danger. For if you have any silver coined wit_ cross upon it, they will cast thee down headlong upon some rocks, as th_agles use to do with the tortoises for the breaking of their shells, as th_ald pate of the poet Aeschylus can sufficiently bear witness. Such a fal_ould hurt thee very sore, my sweet bully, and I would be sorry for it. O_therwise they will let thee fall and tumble down into the high swollen wave_f some capacious sea, I know not where; but, I warrant thee, far enoug_ence, as Icarus fell, which from thy name would afterwards get th_enomination of the Funnelian Sea.
  • Secondly, be out of debt. For the devils carry a great liking to those tha_re out of debt. I have sore felt the experience thereof in mine ow_articular; for now the lecherous varlets are always wooing me, courting me,
  • and making much of me, which they never did when I was all to pieces. The sou_f one in debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altogether.
  • Thirdly, with the cowl and Domino de Grobis, return to Raminagrobis; and i_ase, being thus qualified, thirty thousand boatsful of devils forthwith com_ot to carry thee quite away, I shall be content to be at the charge of payin_or the pint and faggot. Now, if for the more security thou wouldst som_ssociate to bear thee company, let not me be the comrade thou searchest for;
  • think not to get a fellow-traveller of me,—nay, do not. I advise thee for th_est. Get you hence; I will not go thither. The devil take me if I go.
  • Notwithstanding all the fright that you are in, quoth Friar John, I would no_are so much as might possibly be expected I should, if I once had but m_word in my hand. Thou hast verily hit the nail on the head, quoth Panurge,
  • and speakest like a learned doctor, subtle and well-skilled in the art o_evilry. At the time when I was a student in the University of Toulouse
  • (Tolette), that same reverend father in the devil, Picatrix, rector of th_iabological faculty, was wont to tell us that the devils did naturally fea_he bright glancing of swords as much as the splendour and light of the sun.
  • In confirmation of the verity whereof he related this story, that Hercules, a_is descent into hell to all the devils of those regions, did not by half s_uch terrify them with his club and lion's skin as afterwards Aeneas did wit_is clear shining armour upon him, and his sword in his hand well-furbishe_nd unrusted, by the aid, counsel, and assistance of the Sybilla Cumana. Tha_as perhaps the reason why the senior John Jacomo di Trivulcio, whilst he wa_-dying at Chartres, called for his cutlass, and died with a drawn sword i_is hand, laying about him alongst and athwart around the bed and everywher_ithin his reach, like a stout, doughty, valorous and knight-like cavalier; b_hich resolute manner of fence he scared away and put to flight all the devil_hat were then lying in wait for his soul at the passage of his death. Whe_he Massorets and Cabalists are asked why it is that none of all the devils d_t any time enter into the terrestrial paradise? their answer hath been, is,
  • and will be still, that there is a cherubin standing at the gate thereof wit_ flame-like glistering sword in his hand. Although, to speak in the tru_iabological sense or phrase of Toledo, I must needs confess and acknowledg_hat veritably the devils cannot be killed or die by the stroke of a sword, _o nevertheless avow and maintain, according to the doctrine of the sai_iabology, that they may suffer a solution of continuity (as if with th_hable thou shouldst cut athwart the flame of a burning fire, or the gros_pacous exhalations of a thick and obscure smoke), and cry out like ver_evils at their sense and feeling of this dissolution, which in real deed _ust aver and affirm is devilishly painful, smarting, and dolorous.
  • When thou seest the impetuous shock of two armies, and vehement violence o_he push in their horrid encounter with one another, dost thou think,
  • Ballockasso, that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from th_oice and shouts of men, the dashing and jolting of harness, the clatterin_nd clashing of armies, the hacking and slashing of battle-axes, the justlin_nd crashing of pikes, the bustling and breaking of lances, the clamour an_hrieks of the wounded, the sound and din of drums, the clangour an_hrillness of trumpets, the neighing and rushing in of horses, with th_earful claps and thundering of all sorts of guns, from the double cannon t_he pocket pistol inclusively? I cannot goodly deny but that in these variou_hings which I have rehearsed there may be somewhat occasionative of the hug_ell and tintamarre of the two engaged bodies. But the most fearful an_umultuous coil and stir, the terriblest and most boisterous garboil an_urry, the chiefest rustling black santus of all, and most principa_urlyburly springeth from the grievously plangorous howling and lowing o_evils, who pell-mell, in a hand-over-head confusion, waiting for the poo_ouls of the maimed and hurt soldiery, receive unawares some strokes wit_words, and so by those means suffer a solution of and division in th_ontinuity of their aerial and invisible substances; as if some lackey,
  • snatching at the lard-slices stuck in a piece of roast meat on the spit,
  • should get from Mr. Greasyfist a good rap on the knuckles with a cudgel. The_ry out and shout like devils, even as Mars did when he was hurt by Diomede_t the siege of Troy, who, as Homer testifieth of him, did then raise hi_oice more horrifically loud and sonoriferously high than ten thousand me_ogether would have been able to do. What maketh all this for our presen_urpose? I have been speaking here of well-furbished armour and bright shinin_words. But so is it not, Friar John, with thy weapon; for by a lon_iscontinuance of work, cessation from labour, desisting from making i_fficiate, and putting it into that practice wherein it had been formerl_ccustomed, and, in a word, for want of occupation, it is, upon my faith,
  • become more rusty than the key-hole of an old powdering-tub. Therefore it i_xpedient that you do one of these two things: either furbish your weapo_ravely, and as it ought to be, or otherwise have a care that, in the rust_ase it is in, you do not presume to return to the house of Raminagrobis. Fo_y part, I vow I will not go thither. The devil take me if I go.