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Chapter 2 How Panurge was made Laird of Salmigondin in Dipsody, and di_aste his revenue before it came in

  • Whilst Pantagruel was giving order for the government of all Dipsody, h_ssigned to Panurge the lairdship of Salmigondin, which was yearly wort_,789,106,789 reals of certain rent, besides the uncertain revenue of th_ocusts and periwinkles, amounting, one year with another, to the value o_35,768, or 2,435,769 French crowns of Berry. Sometimes it did amount t_,230,554,321 seraphs, when it was a good year, and that locusts an_eriwinkles were in request; but that was not every year.
  • Now his worship, the new laird, husbanded this his estate so providently wel_nd prudently, that in less than fourteen days he wasted and dilapidated al_he certain and uncertain revenue of his lairdship for three whole years. Ye_id not he properly dilapidate it, as you might say, in founding o_onasteries, building of churches, erecting of colleges, and setting up o_ospitals, or casting his bacon-flitches to the dogs; but spent it in _housand little banquets and jolly collations, keeping open house for al_omers and goers; yea, to all good fellows, young girls, and pretty wenches;
  • felling timber, burning great logs for the sale of the ashes, borrowing mone_eforehand, buying dear, selling cheap, and eating his corn, as it were,
  • whilst it was but grass.
  • Pantagruel, being advertised of this his lavishness, was in good sooth no wa_ffended at the matter, angry nor sorry; for I once told you, and again tel_t you, that he was the best, little, great goodman that ever girded a swor_o his side. He took all things in good part, and interpreted every action t_he best sense. He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the least pretenc_f dislike to anything, because he knew that he must have most grossl_bandoned the divine mansion of reason if he had permitted his mind to b_ever so little grieved, afflicted, or altered at any occasion whatsoever. Fo_ll the goods that the heaven covereth, and that the earth containeth, in al_heir dimensions of height, depth, breadth, and length, are not of so muc_orth as that we should for them disturb or disorder our affections, troubl_r perplex our senses or spirits.
  • He drew only Panurge aside, and then, making to him a sweet remonstrance an_ild admonition, very gently represented before him in strong arguments, that,
  • if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of living, and not become _etter mesnagier, it would prove altogether impossible for him, or at leas_ugely difficult, at any time to make him rich. Rich! answered Panurge; hav_ou fixed your thoughts there? Have you undertaken the task to enrich me i_his world? Set your mind to live merrily, in the name of God and good folks;
  • let no other cark nor care be harboured within the sacrosanctified domicile o_our celestial brain. May the calmness and tranquillity thereof be neve_ncommodated with, or overshadowed by any frowning clouds of sulle_maginations and displeasing annoyance! For if you live joyful, merry, jocund,
  • and glad, I cannot be but rich enough. Everybody cries up thrift, thrift, an_ood husbandry. But many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his bow, an_alk of that virtue of mesnagery who know not what belongs to it. It is by m_hat they must be advised. From me, therefore, take this advertisement an_nformation, that what is imputed to me for a vice hath been done in imitatio_f the university and parliament of Paris, places in which is to be found th_rue spring and source of the lively idea of Pantheology and all manner o_ustice. Let him be counted a heretic that doubteth thereof, and doth no_irmly believe it. Yet they in one day eat up their bishop, or the revenue o_he bishopric—is it not all one?—for a whole year, yea, sometimes for two.
  • This is done on the day he makes his entry, and is installed. Nor is there an_lace for an excuse; for he cannot avoid it, unless he would be hooted at an_toned for his parsimony.
  • It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the habit of the four cardina_irtues. Of prudence in borrowing money beforehand; for none knows what ma_all out. Who is able to tell if the world shall last yet three years? Bu_lthough it should continue longer, is there any man so foolish as to have th_onfidence to promise himself three years?
  • What fool so confident to say,
  • That he shall live one other day?
  • Of commutative justice, in buying dear, I say, upon trust, and selling good_heap, that is, for ready money. What says Cato in his Book of Husbandry t_his purpose? The father of a family, says he, must be a perpetual seller; b_hich means it is impossible but that at last he shall become rich, if he hav_f vendible ware enough still ready for sale.
  • Of distributive justice it doth partake, in giving entertainment to good
  • —remark, good—and gentle fellows, whom fortune had shipwrecked, like Ulysses,
  • upon the rock of a hungry stomach without provision of sustenance; an_ikewise to the good—remark, the good—and young wenches. For, according to th_entence of Hippocrates, Youth is impatient of hunger, chiefly if it b_igorous, lively, frolic, brisk, stirring, and bouncing. Which wanton lasse_illingly and heartily devote themselves to the pleasure of honest men; an_re in so far both Platonic and Ciceronian, that they do acknowledge thei_eing born into this world not to be for themselves alone, but that in thei_roper persons their acquaintance may claim one share, and their friend_nother.
  • The virtue of fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and overthrowin_f the great trees, like a second Milo making havoc of the dark forest, whic_id serve only to furnish dens, caves, and shelter to wolves, wild boars, an_oxes, and afford receptacles, withdrawing corners, and refuges to robbers,
  • thieves, and murderers, lurking holes and skulking places for cutthroa_ssassinators, secret obscure shops for coiners of false money, and saf_etreats for heretics, laying them even and level with the plain champaig_ields and pleasant heathy ground, at the sound of the hautboys and bagpipe_laying reeks with the high and stately timber, and preparing seats an_enches for the eve of the dreadful day of judgment.
  • I gave thereby proof of my temperance in eating my corn whilst it was bu_rass, like a hermit feeding upon salads and roots, that, so affranchisin_yself from the yoke of sensual appetites to the utter disclaiming of thei_overeignty, I might the better reserve somewhat in store for the relief o_he lame, blind, crippled, maimed, needy, poor, and wanting wretches.
  • In taking this course I save the expense of the weed-grubbers, who gai_oney,—of the reapers in harvest-time, who drink lustily, and withou_ater,—of gleaners, who will expect their cakes and bannocks,—of threshers,
  • who leave no garlic, scallions, leeks, nor onions in our gardens, by th_uthority of Thestilis in Virgil,—and of the millers, who are generall_hieves,—and of the bakers, who are little better. Is this small saving o_rugality? Besides the mischief and damage of the field-mice, the decay o_arns, and the destruction usually made by weasels and other vermin.
  • Of corn in the blade you may make good green sauce of a light concoction an_asy digestion, which recreates the brain and exhilarates the animal spirits,
  • rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite, delighteth the taste, comfortet_he heart, tickleth the tongue, cheereth the countenance, striking a fresh an_ively colour, strengthening the muscles, tempers the blood, disburdens th_idriff, refresheth the liver, disobstructs the spleen, easeth the kidneys,
  • suppleth the reins, quickens the joints of the back, cleanseth the urine-
  • conduits, dilates the spermatic vessels, shortens the cremasters, purgeth th_ladder, puffeth up the genitories, correcteth the prepuce, hardens the nut,
  • and rectifies the member. It will make you have a current belly to trot, fart,
  • dung, piss, sneeze, cough, spit, belch, spew, yawn, snuff, blow, breathe,
  • snort, sweat, and set taut your Robin, with a thousand other rare advantages.
  • I understand you very well, says Pantagruel; you would thereby infer tha_hose of a mean spirit and shallow capacity have not the skill to spend muc_n a short time. You are not the first in whose conceit that heresy hat_ntered. Nero maintained it, and above all mortals admired most his uncl_aius Caligula, for having in a few days, by a most wonderfully pregnan_nvention, totally spent all the goods and patrimony which Tiberius had lef_im.
  • But, instead of observing the sumptuous supper-curbing laws of the Romans —t_it, the Orchia, the Fannia, the Didia, the Licinia, the Cornelia, th_epidiana, the Antia, and of the Corinthians—by the which they were inhibited,
  • under pain of great punishment, not to spend more in one year than thei_nnual revenue did amount to, you have offered up the oblation of Protervia,
  • which was with the Romans such a sacrifice as the paschal lamb was amongst th_ews, wherein all that was eatable was to be eaten, and the remainder to b_hrown into the fire, without reserving anything for the next day. I may ver_ustly say of you, as Cato did of Albidius, who after that he had by a mos_xtravagant expense wasted all the means and possessions he had to one onl_ouse, he fairly set it on fire, that he might the better say, Consummatu_st. Even just as since his time St. Thomas Aquinas did, when he had eaten u_he whole lamprey, although there was no necessity in it.