Chapter 2 How Panurge was made Laird of Salmigondin in Dipsody, and di_aste his revenue before it came in
Whilst Pantagruel was giving order for the government of all Dipsody, h_ssigned to Panurge the lairdship of Salmigondin, which was yearly wort_,789,106,789 reals of certain rent, besides the uncertain revenue of th_ocusts and periwinkles, amounting, one year with another, to the value o_35,768, or 2,435,769 French crowns of Berry. Sometimes it did amount t_,230,554,321 seraphs, when it was a good year, and that locusts an_eriwinkles were in request; but that was not every year.
Now his worship, the new laird, husbanded this his estate so providently wel_nd prudently, that in less than fourteen days he wasted and dilapidated al_he certain and uncertain revenue of his lairdship for three whole years. Ye_id not he properly dilapidate it, as you might say, in founding o_onasteries, building of churches, erecting of colleges, and setting up o_ospitals, or casting his bacon-flitches to the dogs; but spent it in _housand little banquets and jolly collations, keeping open house for al_omers and goers; yea, to all good fellows, young girls, and pretty wenches;
felling timber, burning great logs for the sale of the ashes, borrowing mone_eforehand, buying dear, selling cheap, and eating his corn, as it were,
whilst it was but grass.
Pantagruel, being advertised of this his lavishness, was in good sooth no wa_ffended at the matter, angry nor sorry; for I once told you, and again tel_t you, that he was the best, little, great goodman that ever girded a swor_o his side. He took all things in good part, and interpreted every action t_he best sense. He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the least pretenc_f dislike to anything, because he knew that he must have most grossl_bandoned the divine mansion of reason if he had permitted his mind to b_ever so little grieved, afflicted, or altered at any occasion whatsoever. Fo_ll the goods that the heaven covereth, and that the earth containeth, in al_heir dimensions of height, depth, breadth, and length, are not of so muc_orth as that we should for them disturb or disorder our affections, troubl_r perplex our senses or spirits.
He drew only Panurge aside, and then, making to him a sweet remonstrance an_ild admonition, very gently represented before him in strong arguments, that,
if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of living, and not become _etter mesnagier, it would prove altogether impossible for him, or at leas_ugely difficult, at any time to make him rich. Rich! answered Panurge; hav_ou fixed your thoughts there? Have you undertaken the task to enrich me i_his world? Set your mind to live merrily, in the name of God and good folks;
let no other cark nor care be harboured within the sacrosanctified domicile o_our celestial brain. May the calmness and tranquillity thereof be neve_ncommodated with, or overshadowed by any frowning clouds of sulle_maginations and displeasing annoyance! For if you live joyful, merry, jocund,
and glad, I cannot be but rich enough. Everybody cries up thrift, thrift, an_ood husbandry. But many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his bow, an_alk of that virtue of mesnagery who know not what belongs to it. It is by m_hat they must be advised. From me, therefore, take this advertisement an_nformation, that what is imputed to me for a vice hath been done in imitatio_f the university and parliament of Paris, places in which is to be found th_rue spring and source of the lively idea of Pantheology and all manner o_ustice. Let him be counted a heretic that doubteth thereof, and doth no_irmly believe it. Yet they in one day eat up their bishop, or the revenue o_he bishopric—is it not all one?—for a whole year, yea, sometimes for two.
This is done on the day he makes his entry, and is installed. Nor is there an_lace for an excuse; for he cannot avoid it, unless he would be hooted at an_toned for his parsimony.
It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the habit of the four cardina_irtues. Of prudence in borrowing money beforehand; for none knows what ma_all out. Who is able to tell if the world shall last yet three years? Bu_lthough it should continue longer, is there any man so foolish as to have th_onfidence to promise himself three years?
What fool so confident to say,
That he shall live one other day?
Of commutative justice, in buying dear, I say, upon trust, and selling good_heap, that is, for ready money. What says Cato in his Book of Husbandry t_his purpose? The father of a family, says he, must be a perpetual seller; b_hich means it is impossible but that at last he shall become rich, if he hav_f vendible ware enough still ready for sale.
Of distributive justice it doth partake, in giving entertainment to good
—remark, good—and gentle fellows, whom fortune had shipwrecked, like Ulysses,
upon the rock of a hungry stomach without provision of sustenance; an_ikewise to the good—remark, the good—and young wenches. For, according to th_entence of Hippocrates, Youth is impatient of hunger, chiefly if it b_igorous, lively, frolic, brisk, stirring, and bouncing. Which wanton lasse_illingly and heartily devote themselves to the pleasure of honest men; an_re in so far both Platonic and Ciceronian, that they do acknowledge thei_eing born into this world not to be for themselves alone, but that in thei_roper persons their acquaintance may claim one share, and their friend_nother.
The virtue of fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and overthrowin_f the great trees, like a second Milo making havoc of the dark forest, whic_id serve only to furnish dens, caves, and shelter to wolves, wild boars, an_oxes, and afford receptacles, withdrawing corners, and refuges to robbers,
thieves, and murderers, lurking holes and skulking places for cutthroa_ssassinators, secret obscure shops for coiners of false money, and saf_etreats for heretics, laying them even and level with the plain champaig_ields and pleasant heathy ground, at the sound of the hautboys and bagpipe_laying reeks with the high and stately timber, and preparing seats an_enches for the eve of the dreadful day of judgment.
I gave thereby proof of my temperance in eating my corn whilst it was bu_rass, like a hermit feeding upon salads and roots, that, so affranchisin_yself from the yoke of sensual appetites to the utter disclaiming of thei_overeignty, I might the better reserve somewhat in store for the relief o_he lame, blind, crippled, maimed, needy, poor, and wanting wretches.
In taking this course I save the expense of the weed-grubbers, who gai_oney,—of the reapers in harvest-time, who drink lustily, and withou_ater,—of gleaners, who will expect their cakes and bannocks,—of threshers,
who leave no garlic, scallions, leeks, nor onions in our gardens, by th_uthority of Thestilis in Virgil,—and of the millers, who are generall_hieves,—and of the bakers, who are little better. Is this small saving o_rugality? Besides the mischief and damage of the field-mice, the decay o_arns, and the destruction usually made by weasels and other vermin.
Of corn in the blade you may make good green sauce of a light concoction an_asy digestion, which recreates the brain and exhilarates the animal spirits,
rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite, delighteth the taste, comfortet_he heart, tickleth the tongue, cheereth the countenance, striking a fresh an_ively colour, strengthening the muscles, tempers the blood, disburdens th_idriff, refresheth the liver, disobstructs the spleen, easeth the kidneys,
suppleth the reins, quickens the joints of the back, cleanseth the urine-
conduits, dilates the spermatic vessels, shortens the cremasters, purgeth th_ladder, puffeth up the genitories, correcteth the prepuce, hardens the nut,
and rectifies the member. It will make you have a current belly to trot, fart,
snort, sweat, and set taut your Robin, with a thousand other rare advantages.
I understand you very well, says Pantagruel; you would thereby infer tha_hose of a mean spirit and shallow capacity have not the skill to spend muc_n a short time. You are not the first in whose conceit that heresy hat_ntered. Nero maintained it, and above all mortals admired most his uncl_aius Caligula, for having in a few days, by a most wonderfully pregnan_nvention, totally spent all the goods and patrimony which Tiberius had lef_im.
But, instead of observing the sumptuous supper-curbing laws of the Romans —t_it, the Orchia, the Fannia, the Didia, the Licinia, the Cornelia, th_epidiana, the Antia, and of the Corinthians—by the which they were inhibited,
under pain of great punishment, not to spend more in one year than thei_nnual revenue did amount to, you have offered up the oblation of Protervia,
which was with the Romans such a sacrifice as the paschal lamb was amongst th_ews, wherein all that was eatable was to be eaten, and the remainder to b_hrown into the fire, without reserving anything for the next day. I may ver_ustly say of you, as Cato did of Albidius, who after that he had by a mos_xtravagant expense wasted all the means and possessions he had to one onl_ouse, he fairly set it on fire, that he might the better say, Consummatu_st. Even just as since his time St. Thomas Aquinas did, when he had eaten u_he whole lamprey, although there was no necessity in it.