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Chapter 4 A Hymn and a Secret

  • IT was quite late (days are short in November) when Alyosha rang at the priso_ate. It was beginning to get dusk. But Alyosha knew that he would be admitte_ithout difficulty. Things were managed in our little town, as everywher_lse. At first, of course, on the conclusion of the preliminary inquiry, relations and a few other persons could only obtain interviews with Mitya b_oing through certain inevitable formalities. But later, though th_ormalities were not relaxed, exceptions were made for some, at least, o_itya's visitors. So much so, that sometimes the interviews with the prisone_n the room set aside for the purpose were practically tete-a-tete.
  • These exceptions, however, were few in number; only Grushenka, Alyosha an_akitin were treated like this. But the captain of the police, Mihai_ihailovitch, was very favourably disposed to Grushenka. His abuse of her a_okroe weighed on the old man's conscience, and when he learned the whol_tory, he completely changed his view of her. And strange to say, though h_as firmly persuaded of his guilt, yet after Mitya was once in prison, the ol_an came to take a more and more lenient view of him. "He was a man of goo_eart, perhaps," he thought, "who had come to grief from drinking an_issipation." His first horror had been succeeded by pity. As for Alyosha, th_olice captain was very fond of him and had known him for a long time.
  • Rakitin, who had of late taken to coming very often to see the prisoner, wa_ne of the most intimate acquaintances of the "police captain's young ladies,"
  • as he called them, and was always hanging about their house. He gave lesson_n the house of the prison superintendent, too, who, though scrupulous in th_erformance of his duties, was a kindhearted old man. Alyosha, again, had a_ntimate acquaintance of long standing with the superintendent, who was fon_f talking to him, generally on sacred subjects. He respected Iva_yodorovitch, and stood in awe of his opinion, though he was a grea_hilosopher himself; "self-taught," of course. But Alyosha had an irresistibl_ttraction for him. During the last year the old man had taken to studying th_pocryphal Gospels, and constantly talked over his impressions with his youn_riend. He used to come and see him in the monastery and discussed for hour_ogether with him and with the monks. So even if Alyosha were late at th_rison, he had only to go to the superintendent and everything was made easy.
  • Besides, everyone in the prison, down to the humblest warder, had grown use_o Alyosha. The sentry, of course, did not trouble him so long as th_uthorities were satisfied.
  • When Mitya was summoned from his cell, he always went downstairs, to the plac_et aside for interviews. As Alyosha entered the room he came upon Rakitin, who was just taking leave of Mitya. They were both talking loudly. Mitya wa_aughing heartily as he saw him out, while Rakitin seemed grumbling. Rakiti_id not like meeting Alyosha, especially of late. He scarcely spoke to him, and bowed to him stiffly. Seeing Alyosha enter now, he frowned and looke_way, as though he were entirely absorbed in buttoning his big, warm, fur- trimmed overcoat. Then he began looking at once for his umbrella.
  • "I must mind not to forget my belongings," he muttered, simply to sa_omething.
  • "Mind you don't forget other people's belongings," said Mitya, as a joke, an_aughed at once at his own wit. Rakitin fired up instantly.
  • "You'd better give that advice to your own family, who've always been a slave- driving lot, and not to Rakitin," he cried, suddenly trembling with anger.
  • "What's the matter? I was joking," cried Mitya. "Damn it all! They are al_ike that." He turned to Alyosha, nodding towards Rakitin's hurriedl_etreating figure. "He was sitting here, laughing and cheerful, and all a_nce he boils up like that. He didn't even nod to you. Have you broken wit_im completely? Why are you so late? I've not been simply waiting, bu_hirsting for you the whole morning. But never mind. We'll make up for i_ow."
  • "Why does he come here so often? Surely you are not such great friends?" aske_lyosha. He, too, nodded at the door through which Rakitin had disappeared.
  • "Great friends with Rakitin? No, not as much as that. Is it likely- a pig lik_hat? He considers I am… a blackguard. They can't understand a joke either, that's the worst of such people. They never understand a joke, and their soul_re dry, dry and flat; they remind me of prison walls when I was first brough_ere. But he is a clever fellow, very clever. Well, Alexey, it's all over wit_e now."
  • He sat down on the bench and made Alyosha sit down beside him.
  • "Yes, the trial's to-morrow. Are you so hopeless, brother?" Alyosha said, wit_n apprehensive feeling.
  • "What are you talking about?" said Mitya, looking at him rather uncertainly.
  • "Oh, you mean the trial! Damn it all! Till now we've been talking of thing_hat don't matter, about this trial, but I haven't said a word to you abou_he chief thing. Yes, the trial is to-morrow; but it wasn't the trial I meant, when I said it was all over with me. Why do you look at me so critically?"
  • "What do you mean, Mitya?"
  • "Ideas, ideas, that's all! Ethics! What is ethics?"
  • "Ethics?" asked Alyosha, wondering.
  • "Yes; is it a science?"
  • "Yes, there is such a science… but… I confess I can't explain to you what sor_f science it is."
  • "Rakitin knows. Rakitin knows a lot, damn him! He's not going to be a monk. H_eans to go to Petersburg. There he'll go in for criticism of an elevatin_endency. Who knows, he may be of use and make his own career, too. Ough! the_re first-rate, these people, at making a career! Damn ethics, I am done for, Alexey, I am, you man of God! I love you more than anyone. It makes my hear_earn to look at you. Who was Karl Bernard?"
  • "Karl Bernard?" Alyosha was surprised again.
  • "No, not Karl. Stay, I made a mistake. Claude Bernard. What was he? Chemist o_hat?"
  • "He must be a savant," answered Alyosha; "but I confess I can't tell you muc_bout him, either. I've heard of him as a savant, but what sort I don't know."
  • "Well, damn him, then! I don't know either," swore Mitya. "A scoundrel of som_ort, most likely. They are all scoundrels. And Rakitin will make his way.
  • Rakitin will get on anywhere; he is another Bernard. Ugh, these Bernards! The_re all over the place."
  • "But what is the matter?" Alyosha asked insistently.
  • "He wants to write an article about me, about my case, and so begin hi_iterary career. That's what he comes for; he said so himself. He wants t_rove some theory. He wants to say 'he couldn't help murdering his father, h_as corrupted by his environment,' and so on. He explained it all to me. He i_oing to put in a tinge of Socialism, he says. But there, damn the fellow, h_an put in a tinge if he likes, I don't care. He can't bear Ivan, he hate_im. He's not fond of you, either. But I don't turn him out, for he is _lever fellow. Awfully conceited, though. I said to him just now,' Th_aramazovs are not blackguards, but philosophers; for all true Russians ar_hilosophers, and though you've studied, you are not a philosopher- you are _ow fellow.' He laughed, so maliciously. And I said to him, 'De ideabus no_st disputandum.'[[14]](footnotes.xml#footnote_14) Isn't that rather good? _an set up for being a classic, you see!" Mitya laughed suddenly. "Why is i_ll over with you? You said so just now," Alyosha interposed. "Why is it al_ver with me? H'm!… The fact of it is… if you take it as a whole, I am sorr_o lose God- that's why it is." "What do you mean by 'sorry to lose God'?"
  • "Imagine: inside, in the nerves, in the head- that is, these nerves are ther_n the brain… (damn them!) there are sort of little tails, the little tails o_hose nerves, and as soon as they begin quivering… that is, you see, I look a_omething with my eyes and then they begin quivering, those little tails… an_hen they quiver, then an image appears… it doesn't appear at once, but a_nstant, a second, passes… and then something like a moment appears; that is, not a moment- devil take the moment!- but an image; that is, an object, or a_ction, damn it! That's why I see and then think, because of those tails, no_t all because I've got a soul, and that I am some sort of image and likeness.
  • All that is nonsense! Rakitin explained it all to me yesterday, brother, an_t simply bowled me over. It's magnificent, Alyosha, this science! A new man'_rising- that I understand… . And yet I am sorry to lose God!" "Well, that's _ood thing, anyway," said Alyosha. "That I am sorry to lose God? It'_hemistry, brother, chemistry! There's no help for it, your reverence, yo_ust make way for chemistry. And Rakitin does dislike God. Ough! doesn't h_islike Him! That's the sore point with all of them. But they conceal it. The_ell lies. They pretend. 'Will you preach this in your reviews?' I asked him.
  • 'Oh, well, if I did it openly, they won't let it through, 'he said. H_aughed. 'But what will become of men then?' I asked him, 'without God an_mmortal life? All things are lawful then, they can do what they like?'
  • 'Didn't you know?' he said laughing, 'a clever man can do what he likes,' h_aid. 'A clever man knows his way about, but you've put your foot in it, committing a murder, and now you are rotting in prison.' He says that to m_ace! A regular pig! I used to kick such people out, but now I listen to them.
  • He talks a lot of sense, too. Writes well. He began reading me an article las_eek. I copied out three lines of it. Wait a minute. Here it is." Mity_urriedly pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket and read: "'In order t_etermine this question, it is above all essential to put one's personality i_ontradiction to one's reality.' Do you understand that?" "No, I don't," sai_lyosha. He looked at Mitya and listened to him with curiosity. "I don'_nderstand either. It's dark and obscure, but intellectual. 'Everyone write_ike that now,' he says, 'it's the effect of their environment.' They ar_fraid of the environment. He writes poetry, too, the rascal. He's written i_onour of Madame Hohlakov's foot. Ha ha ha!" "I've heard about it," sai_lyosha. "Have you? And have you heard the poem?" "No." "I've got it. Here i_s. I'll read it to you. You don't know- I haven't told you- there's quite _tory about it. He's a rascal! Three weeks ago he began to tease me. 'You'v_ot yourself into a mess, like a fool, for the sake of three thousand, but I'_oing to collar a hundred and fifty thousand. I am going to marry a widow an_uy a house in Petersburg.' And he told me he was courting Madame Hohlakov.
  • She hadn't much brains in her youth, and now at forty she has lost what sh_ad. 'But she's awfully sentimental,' he says; 'that's how I shall get hold o_er. When I marry her, I shall take her to Petersburg and there I shall star_ newspaper.' And his mouth was simply watering, the beast, not for the widow, but for the hundred and fifty thousand. And he made me believe it. He came t_ee me every day. 'She is coming round,' he declared. He was beaming wit_elight. And then, all of a sudden, he was turned out of the house. Perhotin'_arrying everything before him, bravo! I could kiss the silly old noodle fo_urning him out of the house. And he had written this doggerel. 'It's th_irst time I've soiled my hands with writing poetry,' he said. 'It's to wi_er heart, so it's in a good cause. When I get hold of the silly woman'_ortune, I can be of great social utility.' They have this socia_ustification for every nasty thing they do! 'Anyway it's better than you_ushkin's poetry,' he said, 'for I've managed to advocate enlightenment eve_n that.' I understand what he means about Pushkin, I quite see that, if h_eally was a man of talent and only wrote about women's feet. But wasn'_akitin stuck up about his doggerel! The vanity of these fellows! 'On th_onvalescence of the swollen foot of the object of my affections'- he though_f that for a title. He's a waggish fellow. {verse A captivating little foot, Though swollen and red and tender! The doctors come and plasters put, Bu_till they cannot mend her. Yet, 'tis not for her foot I dread- A theme fo_ushkin's muse more fit- It's not her foot, it is her head: I tremble for he_oss of wit! For as her foot swells, strange to say, Her intellect is on th_ane- Oh, for some remedy I pray {verse That may restore both foot and brain!
  • He is a pig, a regular pig, but he's very arch, the rascal! And he really ha_ut in a progressive idea. And wasn't he angry when she kicked him out! He wa_nashing his teeth!" "He's taken his revenge already," said Alyosha. "He'_ritten a paragraph about Madame Hohlakov." And Alyosha told him briefly abou_he paragraph in Gossip. "That's his doing, that's his doing!" Mitya assented, frowning. "That's him! These paragraphs… I know… the insulting things tha_ave been written about Grushenka, for instance… . And about Katya, too… .
  • H'm! He walked across the room with a harassed air. "Brother, I cannot sta_ong," Alyosha said, after a pause. "To-morrow will be a great and awful da_or you, the judgment of God will be accomplished… I am amazed at you, yo_alk about here, talking of I don't know what… " "No, don't be amazed at me,"
  • Mitya broke in warmly. "Am I to talk of that stinking dog? Of the murderer?
  • We've talked enough of him. I don't want to say more of the stinking son o_tinking Lizaveta! God will kill him, you will see. Hush!" He went up t_lyosha excitedly and kissed him. His eyes glowed. "Rakitin wouldn'_nderstand it," he began in a sort of exaltation; "but you, you'll understan_t all. That's why I was thirsting for you. You see, there's so much I've bee_anting to tell you for ever so long, here, within these peeling walls, but _aven't said a word about what matters most; the moment never seems to hav_ome. Now I can wait no longer. I must pour out my heart to you. Brother, these last two months I've found in myself a new man. A new man has risen u_n me. He was hidden in me, but would never have come to the surface, if i_adn't been for this blow from heaven. I am afraid! And what do I care if _pend twenty years in the mines, breaking ore with a hammer? I am not a bi_fraid of that- it's something else I am afraid of now: that that new man ma_eave me. Even there, in the mines, underground, I may find a human heart i_nother convict and murderer by my side, and I may make friends with him, fo_ven there one may live and love and suffer. One may thaw and revive a froze_eart in that convict, one may wait upon him for years, and at last bring u_rom the dark depths a lofty soul, a feeling, suffering creature; one ma_ring forth an angel, create a hero! There are so many of them, hundreds o_hem, and we are all to blame for them. Why was it I dreamed of that 'babe' a_uch a moment? 'Why is the babe so poor?' That was a sign to me at tha_oment. It's for the babe I'm going. Because we are all responsible for all.
  • For all the 'babes,' for there are big children as well as little children Al_re 'babes.' I go for all, because someone must go for all. I didn't kil_ather, but I've got to go. I accept it. It's all come to me here, here, within these peeling walls. There are numbers of them there, hundreds of the_nderground, with hammers in their hands. Oh, yes, we shall be in chains an_here will be no freedom, but then, in our great sorrow, we shall rise agai_o joy, without which man cannot live nor God exist, for God gives joy: it'_is privilege- a grand one. Ah, man should be dissolved in prayer! What shoul_ be underground there without God? Rakitin's laughing! If they drive God fro_he earth, we shall shelter Him underground. One cannot exist in priso_ithout God; it's even more impossible than out of prison. And then we me_nderground will sing from the bowels of the earth a glorious hymn to God, with Whom is joy. Hail to God and His joy! I love Him!" Mitya was almos_asping for breath as he uttered his wild speech. He turned pale, his lip_uivered, and tears rolled down his cheeks. "Yes, life is full, there is lif_ven underground," he began again. "You wouldn't believe, Alexey, how I wan_o live now, what a thirst for existence and consciousness has sprung up in m_ithin these peeling walls. Rakitin doesn't understand that; all he care_bout is building a house and letting flats. But I've been longing for you.
  • And what is suffering? I am not afraid of it, even if it were beyon_eckoning. I am not afraid of it now. I was afraid of it before. Do you know, perhaps I won't answer at the trial at all… . And I seem to have such strengt_n me now, that I think I could stand anything, any suffering, only to be abl_o say and to repeat to myself every moment, 'I exist.' In thousands o_gonies- I exist. I'm tormented on the rack- but I exist! Though I sit alon_n a pillar- I exist! I see the sun, and if I don't see the sun, I know it'_here. And there's a whole life in that, in knowing that the sun is there.
  • Alyosha, my angel, all these philosophies are the death of me. Damn them!
  • Brother Ivan-" "What of brother Ivan?" interrupted Alyosha, but Mitya did no_ear. "You see, I never had any of these doubts before, but it was all hidde_way in me. It was perhaps just because ideas I did not understand wer_urging up in me, that I used to drink and fight and rage. It was to stifl_hem in myself, to still them, to smother them. Ivan is not Rakitin, there i_n idea in him. Ivan is a sphinx and is silent; he is always silent. It's Go_hat's worrying me. That's the only thing that's worrying me. What if H_oesn't exist? What if Rakitin's right- that it's an idea made up by men? The_f He doesn't exist, man is the chief of the earth, of the universe.
  • Magnificent! Only how is he going to be good without God? That's the question.
  • I always come back to that. For whom is man going to love then? To whom wil_e be thankful? To whom will he sing the hymn? Rakitin laughs. Rakitin say_hat one can love humanity without God. Well, only a snivelling idiot ca_aintain that. I can't understand it. Life's easy for Rakitin. 'You'd bette_hink about the extension of civic rights, or even of keeping down the pric_f meat. You will show your love for humanity more simply and directly b_hat, than by philosophy.' I answered him, 'Well, but you, without a God, ar_ore likely to raise the price of meat, if it suits you, and make a rouble o_very copeck.' He lost his temper. But after all, what is goodness? Answer m_hat, Alexey. Goodness is one thing with me and another with a Chinaman, s_t's a relative thing. Or isn't it? Is it not relative? A treacherou_uestion! You won't laugh if I tell you it's kept me awake two nights. I onl_onder now how people can live and think nothing about it. Vanity! Ivan has n_od. He has an idea. It's beyond me. But he is silent. I believe he is _reemason. I asked him, but he is silent. I wanted to drink from the spring_f his soul- he was silent. But once he did drop a word." "What did he say?"
  • Alyosha took it up quickly. "I said to him, 'Then everything is lawful, if i_s so?' He frowned. 'Fyodor Pavlovitch, our papa,' he said, 'was a pig, bu_is ideas were right enough.' That was what he dropped. That was all he said.
  • That was going one better than Rakitin." "Yes," Alyosha assented bitterly.
  • "When was he with you?" "Of that later; now I must speak of something else. _ave said nothing about Ivan to you before. I put it off to the last. When m_usiness here is over and the verdict has been given, then I'll tell yo_omething. I'll tell you everything. We've something tremendous on hand… . An_ou shall be my judge in it. But don't begin about that now; be silent. Yo_alk of to-morrow, of the trial; but, would you believe it, I know nothin_bout it." "Have you talked to the counsel?" "What's the use of the counsel? _old him all about it. He's a soft, city-bred rogue- a Bernard! But he doesn'_elieve me- not a bit of it. Only imagine, he believes I did it. I see it. 'I_hat case,' I asked him, 'why have you come to defend me?' Hang them all!
  • They've got a doctor down, too, want to prove I'm mad. I won't have that!
  • Katerina Ivanovna wants to do her 'duty' to the end, whatever the strain!"
  • Mitya smiled bitterly. "The cat! Hard-hearted creature! She knows that I sai_f her at Mokroe that she was a woman of 'great wrath.' They repeated it. Yes, the facts against me have grown numerous as the sands of the sea. Grigor_ticks to his point. Grigory's honest, but a fool. Many people are hones_ecause they are fools: that's Rakitin's idea. Grigory's my enemy. And ther_re some people who are better as foes than friends. I mean Katerina Ivanovna.
  • I am afraid, oh, I am afraid she will tell how she bowed to the ground afte_hat four thousand. She'll pay it back to the last farthing. I don't want he_acrifice; they'll put me to shame at the trial. I wonder how I can stand it.
  • Go to her, Alyosha, ask her not to speak of that in the court, can't you? Bu_amn it all, it doesn't matter! I shall get through somehow. I don't pity her.
  • It's her own doing. She deserves what she gets. I shall have my own story t_ell, Alexey." He smiled bitterly again. "Only… only Grusha, Grusha! Goo_ord! Why should she have such suffering to bear?" he exclaimed suddenly, wit_ears. "Grusha's killing me; the thought of her's killing me, killing me. Sh_as with me just now… " "She told me she was very much grieved by you to-day."
  • "I know. Confound my temper! It was jealousy. I was sorry, I kissed her as sh_as going. I didn't ask her forgiveness." "Why didn't you?" exclaimed Alyosha.
  • Suddenly Mitya laughed almost mirthfully. "God preserve you, my dear boy, fro_ver asking forgiveness for a fault from a woman you love. From one you lov_specially, however greatly you may have been in fault. For a woman- devi_nly knows what to make of a woman! I know something about them, anyway. Bu_ry acknowledging you are in fault to a woman. Say, 'I am sorry, forgive me,'
  • and a shower of reproaches will follow! Nothing will make her forgive yo_imply and directly, she'll humble you to the dust, bring forward things tha_ave never happened, recall everything, forget nothing, add something of he_wn, and only then forgive you. And even the best, the best of them do it.
  • She'll scrape up all the scrapings and load them on your head. They are read_o flay you alive, I tell you, every one of them, all these angels withou_hom we cannot live! I tell you plainly and openly, dear boy, every decent ma_ught to be under some woman's thumb. That's my conviction- not conviction, but feeling. A man ought to be magnanimous, and it's no disgrace to a man! N_isgrace to a hero, not even a Caesar! But don't ever beg her pardon all th_ame for anything. Remember that rule given you by your brother Mitya, who'_ome to ruin through women. No, I'd better make it up to Grusha somehow, without begging pardon. I worship her, Alexey, worship her. Only she doesn'_ee it. No, she still thinks I don't love her enough. And she tortures me, tortures me with her love. The past was nothing! In the past it was only thos_nfernal curves of hers that tortured me, but now I've taken all her soul int_y soul and through her I've become a man myself. Will they marry us? If the_on't, I shall die of jealousy. I imagine something every day… . What did sh_ay to you about me?" Alyosha repeated all Grushenka had said to him that day.
  • Mitya listened, made him repeat things, and seemed pleased. "Then she is no_ngry at my being jealous?" he exclaimed. "She is a regular woman! 'I've _ierce heart myself!' Ah, I love such fierce hearts, though I can't bea_nyone's being jealous of me. I can't endure it. We shall fight. But I shal_ove her, I shall love her infinitely. Will they marry us? Do they le_onvicts marry? That's the question. And without her I can't exist… " Mity_alked frowning across the room. It was almost dark. He suddenly seeme_erribly worried. "So there's a secret, she says, a secret? We have got up _lot against her, and Katya is mixed up in it, she thinks. No, my goo_rushenka, that's not it. You are very wide of the mark, in your foolis_eminine way. Alyosha, darling, well, here goes! I'll tell you our secret!" H_ooked round, went close up quickly to Alyosha, who was standing before him, and whispered to him with an air of mystery, though in reality no one coul_ear them: the old warder was dozing in the corner, and not a word could reac_he ears of the soldiers on guard. "I will tell you all our secret," Mity_hispered hurriedly. "I meant to tell you later, for how could I decide o_nything without you? You are everything to me. Though I say that Ivan i_uperior to us, you are my angel. It's your decision will decide it. Perhap_t's you that is superior and not Ivan. You see, it's a question o_onscience, question of the higher conscience- the secret is so important tha_ can't settle it myself, and I've put it off till I could speak to you. Bu_nyway it's too early to decide now, for we must wait for the verdict. As soo_s the verdict is given, you shall decide my fate. Don't decide it now. I'l_ell you now. You listen, but don't decide. Stand and keep quiet. I won't tel_ou everything. I'll only tell you the idea, without details, and you kee_uiet. Not a question, not a movement. You agree? But, goodness, what shall _o with your eyes? I'm afraid your eyes will tell me your decision, even i_ou don't speak. Oo! I'm afraid! Alyosha, listen! Ivan suggests my escaping. _on't tell you the details: it's all been thought out: it can all be arranged.
  • Hush, don't decide. I should go to America with Grusha. You know I can't liv_ithout Grusha! What if they won't let her follow me to Siberia? Do they le_onvicts get married? Ivan thinks not. And without Grusha what should I d_here underground with a hammer? I should only smash my skull with the hammer!
  • But, on the other hand, my conscience? I should have run away from suffering.
  • A sign has come, I reject the sign. I have a way of salvation and I turn m_ack on it. Ivan says that in America, 'with the goodwill,' I can be of mor_se than underground. But what becomes of our hymn from underground? What'_merica? America is vanity again! And there's a lot of swindling in America, too, I expect. I should have run away from crucifixion! I tell you, you know, Alexey, because you are the only person who can understand this. There's n_ne else. It's folly, madness to others, all I've told you of the hymn.
  • They'll say I'm out of my mind or a fool. I am not out of my mind and I am no_ fool. Ivan understands about the hymn, too. He understands, only he doesn'_nswer- he doesn't speak. He doesn't believe in the hymn. Don't speak, don'_peak. I see how you look! You have already decided. Don't decide, spare me! _an't live without Grusha. Wait till after the trial!" Mitya ended besid_imself. He held Alyosha with both hands on his shoulders, and his yearning, feverish eyes were fixed on his brother's. "They don't let convicts marry, d_hey?" he repeated for the third time in a supplicating voice. Alyosh_istened with extreme surprise and was deeply moved. "Tell me one thing," h_aid. "Is Ivan very keen on it, and whose idea was it?" "His, his, and he i_ery keen on it. He didn't come to see me at first, then he suddenly came _eek ago and he began about it straight away. He is awfully keen on it. H_oesn't ask me, but orders me to escape. He doesn't doubt of my obeying him, though I showed him all my heart as I have to you, and told him about th_ymn, too. He told me he'd arrange it; he's found out about everything. But o_hat later. He's simply set on it. It's all a matter of money: he'll pay te_housand for escape and give me twenty thousand for America. And he says w_an arrange a magnificent escape for ten thousand." "And he told you on n_ccount to tell me?" Alyosha asked again. "To tell no one, and especially no_ou; on no account to tell you. He is afraid, no doubt, that you'll stan_efore me as my conscience. Don't tell him I told you. Don't tell him, fo_nything." "You are right," Alyosha pronounced; "it's impossible to decid_nything before the trial is over. After the trial you'll decide of yourself.
  • Then you'll find that new man in yourself and he will decide." "A new man, o_ Bernard who'll decide a la Bernard, for I believe I'm a contemptible Bernar_yself," said Mitya, with a bitter grin. "But, brother, have you no hope the_f being acquitted?" Mitya shrugged his shoulders nervously and shook hi_ead. "Alyosha, darling, it's time you were going," he said, with a sudde_aste. "There's the superintendent shouting in the yard. He'll be her_irectly. We are late; it's irregular. Embrace me quickly. Kiss me! Sign m_ith the cross, darling, for the cross I have to bear to-morrow." The_mbraced and kissed. "Ivan," said Mitya suddenly, "suggests my escaping; but, of course, he believes I did it." A mournful smile came on to his lips. "Hav_ou asked him whether he believes it?" asked Alyosha. "No, I haven't. I wante_o, but I couldn't. I hadn't the courage. But I saw it from his eyes. Well, good-bye!" Once more they kissed hurriedly, and Alyosha was just going out, when Mitya suddenly called him back. "Stand facing me! That's right!" An_gain he seized Alyosha, putting both hands on his shoulders. His face becam_uddenly quite pale, so that it was dreadfully apparent, even through th_athering darkness. His lips twitched, his eyes fastened upon Alyosha.
  • "Alyosha, tell me the whole truth, as you would before God. Do you believe _id it? Do you, do you in yourself, believe it? The whole truth, don't lie!"
  • he cried desperately. Everything seemed heaving before Alyosha, and he fel_omething like a stab at his heart. "Hush! What do you mean?" he faltere_elplessly. "The whole truth, the whole, don't lie!" repeated Mitya. "I'v_ever for one instant believed that you were the murderer!" broke in a shakin_oice from Alyosha's breast, and he raised his right hand in the air, a_hough calling God to witness his words. Mitya's whole face was lighted u_ith bliss. "Thank you!" he articulated slowly, as though letting a sig_scape him after fainting. "Now you have given me new life. Would you believ_t, till this moment I've been afraid to ask you, you, even you. Well, go!
  • You've given me strength for to-morrow. God bless you! Come, go along! Lov_van!" was Mitya's last word. Alyosha went out in tears. Such distrustfulnes_n Mitya, such lack of confidence even to him, to Alyosha- all this suddenl_pened before Alyosha an unsuspected depth of hopeless grief and despair i_he soul of his unhappy brother. Intense, infinite compassion overwhelmed hi_nstantly. There was a poignant ache in his torn heart. "Love Ivan"- h_uddenly recalled Mitya's words. And he was going to Ivan. He badly wanted t_ee Ivan all day. He was as much worried about Ivan as about Mitya, and mor_han ever now.