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Chapter 7 Stranger's Child

  • All I thought was that after running away that morning of realization my life will back to normal. That even though I recently came from a heartbreak, at least that was the only problem I should get rid of. But I was wrong … it went out that I am completely wrong. Thinking that after the mistake I have done, there will be no problem ahead of me the following days is foolish.
  • I still remember how Helena stared at my belly while we are in the cafe, the day I confessed to her what happened to me. At first, I am literally clueless about the meaning behind her malicious stare but one morning, I started to feel different. It started from puking up every morning and then followed by my sensitivity to taste and smells. That every time I smell food—a cheese to be exact—I will push myself to the nearest sink or comfort room and then will puke so hard. In addition to those weird things that suddenly happened to me, I also felt drowsiness and it seems like I was too tired for every day.
  • My first assumption is that I am only stressed or have eaten spoiled foods but while at work, I lost my consciousness because of dizziness. Helena to the rescue insisted to bring me to the hospital so I could have a check-up after I gained back my sense. Worries also creeping on my system, I decided to take her advice. I seek a doctor's appointment on the following day. And on the same day, my world changed.
  • “Congratulation, you are three weeks pregnant,” the doctor announced with a bright smile plastered on her lips.
  • It caught me off-guard. It feels like my heart suddenly stopped beating. Because of that shocking announcement, my world seems stopped from rotating. My mind can't function well for an instant. All I can process in my mind is that I went out of that hospital clouded by different emotions. I don't know how to react. I don't know what should I feel. Should I be happy because there is an innocent life inside me or should I fear that life? I literally don't know… I was lost.
  • I remember that I cried when the night came. I locked myself to my room, crying all day and night. My tears seem unstoppable even I wiped them out many times. All I want is to cry, to cry my heart out. For what specific reason? I also don't know.
  • Frustrated. I felt frustrated for what I have done on that night. I keep on blaming myself for the stupidest action that changed my life. I am not into alcohol and yet, I drunk my ass off like I am a veteran drinker.
  • Fear. I am afraid not for myself but also for the life inside my tummy. I didn't graduate college and just depends on my work as a waitress. That was my living and even though I am alone, I can't still provide a better life for myself. The expenses are too harsh, my budget is too tight. How much more if there will be a child I am going to raise? I don't know how to support her. How can I even sustain her life when it was already difficult for me to sustain my own life.
  • And then there's one solution that came to me. I planned to get rid of my own child. I know it was wrong but during that time, there were no choices left to me. I felt hopeless. I felt so empty and getting rid of her is the best solution I have thought of so she won't be going to experience the harsh reality of life.
  • Before the day of finally getting rid of my child, I cried again for the last time while caressing my tummy. Talking to the innocent life inside it, saying nonstop sorry for what I am going to do to her the following day. It was hard. I mean, yeah, I choose to get rid of her but it doesn't mean that I am not hurt. God knows how pain struck me so hard. Crying like a baby in my bed. Hugging myself while uttering “sorry” to my unborn child is the image of the past.
  • The next morning, I didn't cry. The puffy eyes of mine are enough to tell how I cried blood last night and only the darkness is the witness to my breakdown. After preparing myself for the abortion, Helena rushed herself into my apartment. She was worried sick about my absence that's why she came to my place. Actually, I didn't inform her about my plan but that morning, I decided to tell her.
  • Up until now, her hand on my cheek when she slapped me so hard is still fresh in my memory. It was restored to me. Because of that slap, I woke up from the evilness I was about to do.
  • “Are you awake now, Alice?” she asked in mockery. O didn't reply. I remained speechless. My sniffs are all I can hear. Sniffs that turns into cries while I was clutching on my chest.
  • “As far as I remember, you are wise enough to know what is wrong, Alice. For heaven's sake! You are not a murderer! Why are you going to kill that baby, huh?! Just because you are afraid, just because you don't know what to do this is your solution now? Wake up, Alice… wake up!” I stumbled on the floor, shame is on me.
  • Yes, Helena was right. I am wise enough to know what is wrong but still, I choose to do the wrong. What a shame!
  • “You will keep the child no matter what happens, Alice. You will keep her and together, we will raise her. You as her mommy and me, as her Mama Helena.”
  • And that is where it all started. After waking up from my foolishness, Helena stayed on my side. Helping me with her open arms. Not just for me but my child as well.
  • “When I said push, push!” The doctor count one up to three and when she shouted push, I pushed.
  • Pain during my labor was complete hell for me and it was brought to the next level when I am in the delivery room. Alone while the doctor is cheering and praying for my successful delivery.
  • After nine hours of labor and two hours in the delivery room, I won over the hard challenge of giving birth. Those cries from my baby didn't escape my sense of hearing before I passed out. When I woke up, I was already inside a hospital room. My body felt so weak and I barely move but when Helena stepped inside my room followed by a nurse who's carrying my baby, the tiredness and soreness faded away. Those hours in hell is worth it when I first laid my eyes on my child. The child I once want to get rid of.
  • “Congratulation, she's a healthy baby girl!”
  • I couldn't contain myself anymore so as the nurse exited, I burst out crying while kissing my child's soft cheeks.
  • “Aisle… my baby Aisle,” I uttered while sniffing her.
  • “Is that her name? Aisle?” Helena asked so I nodded. “Let's add another name, Alice,” she insisted.
  • I know that Aisle is way too short that's why I agreed on adding her name until we both came into one name…
  • “Aisle Bellinda Del Angelo.”
  • My child with the stranger I slept with… a year ago.