Chapter 8

• I quickly ran towards the classroom, thinking that maybe Mar was there. After thinking about what Ken said, I thought he was right. I have to gamble because everything in the world is uncertain. I also have to take risks for me to know if it will work or not. Hold on to those 'hows'.
• I was almost catching my breath when I reached the building where our classroom was located. I gasped as I made my way down the hallway approaching the room. There were almost no people there because it was lunchtime.
• I was nervous which made me even more excited. There seemed to be something flying in my stomach that was making my chest throb. I think this is the right time for me to face my fear and gamble for the love that I have for Mar.
• I took a deep breath as I reached the classroom door. It is barely closed. I’m not sure that Mar was there but I feel that he's there. I slowly grabbed the doorknob and opened it.
• I was devastated. Shocks have written on my face because of what I saw. Excitement escaped me. I lost my courage to see him say I'm ready to risk a relationship he was telling me about. I feel like I’m going to fall for what I see. My chest seemed to ache from the pain.
• My mouth fell open and I couldn't take my eyes off Mar and the woman he was kissing. I don’t know what to think. As far as I know, I’m angry and jealous. It hurts me so much.
• “Jame, what is it? Are you out of your mind?" I heard Mar say after they stop kissing each other.
• “No, I’m not. I love you, Mar, you know that."
• The woman was about to kiss him again when Mar walked away. His eyes widened when his eyes dropped on me which surprised him greatly. Her mouth dropped open and he didn't know what to do.
• "Jan?"
• I just stared at him sharply before I turned around and walked away. Tears welled up in my eyes. Why now when I'm ready?
• I stopped walking when I felt hands holding my arm. “Jan, wait I will explain. What you saw is wrong, I'm not kissing her."
• I confronted him. The tears in my eyes spontaneously stopped. “You don’t have to explain,
• Mar. You don't have to explain. Who am I, right? I'm just your best friend. Just your fucking best friend. Even if I get hurt, you have no responsibility because I am just your friend. Even if I cry, it's not your fault because I'm just your friend.” I feel like every time I mention those words, my heart breaks.
• “I don’t care if you’re just my fucking best friend, Jan. I will explain because I wanted to. Because I want you to know my reason,” he returned, his voice almost raised. “I didn't kiss her, she just suddenly kissed me. I do not know! I didn't want that. She confessed but I rejected her. I don't love her. I don't like her kissing Jan. You know whose kiss I just want to feel? It's just you Jan. Just your kisses,” he suddenly said calmly. He even touched my cheek and stroked it.
• “But that's not what I see, Mar. You look very happy with that woman's kiss. I can see how you resisted every kiss from that woman,” I said angrily.
• “No. It's not like that, Jan. I struggled. I tried to get away because I didn't want to kiss her. Because I only want my lips to touch your lips, Jan. No other than you." He brought his face close to mine. "Believe me, Jan I don't like what happened," he pleaded.
• I fell silent. I could see in his eyes the sensitivity I always see whenever he says he wants to try. Every time his eyes stare at me.
• I wasted no time, I moved quickly and in a second our lips were touching. I closed my eyes, then I felt the movement of Mar's lips. His loving hands caressing my cheek. His soft lips give a delicious sensation that I want to feel over and over again. I want that scene never to end. The sweetness of the heart. Joy and eternal happiness envelop me.
• -
• I can’t believe those things are happening right now. In an instant, we’re trying out a relationship we’re not sure about. Strange relationships for others, but we will try to be acceptable to many even though we know it will not be that easy. Many judgmental eyes can criticize us so I understand Mar that we should hide the relationship we have in the meantime.
• "Are not you scared?" I seriously asked Mar while we were in the plaza and sitting on the bench there.
• “Where are you scared? Should I be afraid?”
• “We don't know how long we can keep our relationship. Aren't you afraid that when they find out you might be the target of those bullies? Do they look down on you? Will they lose respect?”
• I felt him hold my hand, he barely squeezed it.
• “Why should I, Jan? It's not like I chose to hide our relationship because I'm afraid of what others will say. This is the only way I think to make our relationship at peace. People are too judgmental and even if we say we are strong, our relationship will still be affected. It's okay to be like this at this moment and when the time comes for them to know, we will deal with it. Don't think too much, darling.” He smiled sweetly.
• “But how about you, Mar? I'm afraid of what people will say to you. I'm afraid they won't respect you and they'll look down on you. You don't deserve those hates just because of me,” I confessed worriedly.
• That is the sad truth about a man like him who likes the same gender. People already have in mind that when they into gay, they only chase money and there is no real love. That when you are in a gay relationship, you look low and have no dignity.
• “Should I explain something to them? If that’s what they’re going to think of me, it just means, they don’t know the word ‘love’ I feel for you. Isn't sin anymore. It's not a sin to love, especially since we don't do anything wrong,” he reasoned.
• I just looked at him quietly and soon a sweet smile painted on my lips. It just feels so good to hear those words from the man I love. Eternal joy embraces me that he is the only one I know who can make me feel that joy.
• "Thank you, Mar." I quickly hugged him tightly. I am so lucky that I am finally with him now and based on what I can see he is ready to fight our relationship even if he is not sure when we can.
• -
• I was shocked when I felt someone walk up to me. I was still slightly stopped because of his heavy hand.
• “Hmm! You look so fresh today, ah?"
• I continued walking. I turned to Ken and smiled. "Just now?" I sucked. “Tss! All I know is I'm always fresh. Hmmm! You are the reason when my face was sad,” I told him laughing.
• He was the one who seemed sad. “Aw! Am I a disaster for you?” he said, then seemed hurt when he touched his chest. “This handsome one, make you sad? Maybe you're always thinking about me."
• I laughed, then slapped him on the chest softly. “Arrogant! Why are you so confident?" I said.
• "It's just a joke," he said, still laughing. “But seriously, you are blooming now. Inspired? ”
• "I'm always inspired, you just didn't notice," I said.
• "I'm also inspired but you don't notice either," he returned.
• “To whom? We've been talking about that woman for a long time but I still don't know her. Who is she?" I asked with curiosity. I've known Ken in love for a long time but I still don't know who that lucky woman is.
• "Y-you."
• I stopped walking. "Huh?" I was shocked because of what he said.
• Ken suddenly burst out laughing because of my reaction. "I'm just joking, Jan don't take it seriously," he explained, still laughing.
• I was stunned and speechless. I don't know but I feel Ken was serious when he said I was that woman. But why should I believe, it's a woman and I'm not a woman. I tried to smile. I was suddenly lost for no apparent reason. Ken seemed serious. “I know you were just joking. I was just surprised,” I explained immediately while I couldn't look directly into his eyes. "Come on, I'm hungry," I said to him, then I continued walking towards the cafeteria.
• "Every time I'm with you, I feel like I should be scared when I leave school."
• I frowned when Ken said that when we got to the cafeteria. "Why? Do you have enemies?” I asked worriedly.
• "Because Mar's stares look like a knife that is going to kill me," he said seriously while simply turning his eyes to Mar's place.
• I smiled at what Ken said while still shaking. I know why he's like that when Mar looks at Ken. I explained everything to him but I don't know why that man is still jealous.
• "Hey! Were you still happy then? Looks like he's going to knock me down, aren't you worried about me?"
• "Just eat your food, Ken, and don't pay any attention to Mar," I scolded him.
• "Are you not-"
• "Stop!" I stopped him at the same time as I blocked my palm with his mouth. "You're talking too much, Ken."
• Ken nodded. "Aren't you worried about me?" He continues.
• "No," I replied quickly.
• His face grew even bitter. "Are you my friends?"
• I smiled. “You’re just imagining things, Ken. Don't be paranoid there," I said.
• “I lost my appetite. You are so heartless to me.”
• I looked at his plate and I laughed again. "How will your appetite be lost, eh, you've already done with your food." I smiled.
• Ken quickly smiled broadly with almost all of his beautiful teeth out. “Foods are gone, that's why I lost my appetite.”
• "Crazy," I laughed back.
• I just finished my meal so we could leave that place.