Chapter 4

• With each passing day, I feel more and more distant from Mar. I was afraid that I might never be able to return to him as a friend.
• It hurts me to avoid him but this is the only way I know to forget how I feel because I know that even if I go back to him, we will not go back to where we were before as long as I feel something for him.
• I turned to Mar as the teacher classed ahead. Mar smiled happily as he chatted with the men next to him. She was so happy. I feel like I don't have to go back to him anymore because he can be happy without me.
• I bent down to hide my watery eyes. The hard part is when it hurts, I barely understand every lesson because Mar occupies my whole system.
• As I bent down, a hand dropped a piece of paper on the armchair. I was surprised so I looked up but the person immediately disappeared. I slowly picked up the paper and opened it.
• "Please give me a smile." There is even a drawing of a smiling face
• I turned around and saw nothing suspicious. I turned to Mar and saw that he was still happily chatting. It became a big question for me as to who the letter was from.
• I just hid the letter I received in the notebook. I can't think of anyone else to do that. At first I thought of Mar, but based on what I saw, it looked like he wouldn't do that because he was happy in the company of his friends.
• When class was over, I went to the cafeteria alone which even though I’ve been doing it for a long time, I’m still not used to it. Something is missing. I miss Mar. I’m excited for him to appreciate me. In his treatment of me as a woman.
• I sat quietly on the side of the cafeteria where Mar and I always sit. I also brought the food I always ordered.
• "Hi, Jan can I join?"
• I looked up at the man who had spoken and saw a familiar face there. I knew he was my classmate but I never knew his name. I thought for a moment. "Sure why not," I said casually.
• "Thanks," he retorted and seemed excited to sit next to me.
• I didn't say anything because I had a strange feeling for this man. I'm not comfortable. I was taken aback by his presence.
• I have already started eating.
• "By the way, how are you?" he breaks the silence.
• "I'm good, are you?"
• "Copy paste," he laughed. "But why don't you seem okay? I always see you in the plaza and you look so sad. I also often see you alone."
• "What's your name?" I changed the subject. I don’t like the flow of the conversation.
• Draw the sadness in his eyes. "Aw! We're classmates but you don't know my name? You didn't know I existed. Ouch!" he was even held to his chest.
• "You're a transferee, aren't you?" I asked.
• He nodded and laughed. “It’s no wonder you don’t know me because I always see that Mar gets your attention,” he concluded. "In that case, I'll introduce myself. I'm Ken, 17 years old, single and ready to be taken," he introduced himself and laughed.
• I nodded. It’s amazing that he’s single despite his handsome face that if I didn’t love Mar, I might have an admiration for him. “Now, I know you,” I said.
• "Don't forget my name, huh? If you do, I will kiss you," he said rudely. He laughed. "Oops! It's a joke," he recovered, then burst out laughing.
• I just tried to laugh. Isn't this man aware that I'm not a woman so he can joke like that? I became more and more uncomfortable with him.
• I lost my focus on Ken when I caught sight of Mar with his male friends. Our eyes met. He turned away from me and turned to Ken. His forehead furrowed, then his eyes returned to me. That happened again and I avoided it. But why is that? Why does Mar seem angry? Doesn't he seem happy with what he saw? I quickly dismissed that thought because I didn’t want to hope.
• "By the way, aren't you and Mar friends, why aren't you together anymore?" Ken said. Gradually I began to feel annoyed with him. Is it just that he knows a lot or is he really gossipy?
• "Sorry, Ken, I have to go. I still have assignments to do in the library," I said and stood up. I left Ken there with nothing more to say.
• I turned to Mar's seat and saw that his eyes were on me, that was speaking. He seemed to like my leaving there and suddenly the expression on his face changed.
• I knew my eyes were only fooling me because I never knew I would never see jealousy in Mar’s eyes. I'm just his friend and that's all I know and it'll stay there until then.
• -
• "Hey, Jan!"
• I turned around when I heard Ken call my name. I stopped walking, I was currently in the hallway on the first floor of the building. "Why?" I ask directly.
• He bent down and placed his palms on both knees. Her every breath was also deep which was obviously tiring. "I-I'll just go in with you," he said almost intermittently.
• "Why do you look so tired?"
• "It's been a while since I saw you so I have to run fast, I'm a good runner," he explained as if he was a proud runner.
• "Like that? You shouldn't have just chased me," I said.
• "No matter how far you are, Jan I will still run to catch up with you," he said meaningfully.
• I quickly averted my eyes from him. I couldn’t understand what he meant.
• "What?" I just said.
• "Let's go." He straightened up when we went and nodded. I stepped forward and he followed.
• "By the way, why do you always want me with you?" I asked curiously as we walked. Ever since we met in the cafeteria, he has often accompanied me.
• He turned to me. "Is it forbidden?" he asked.
• I went too far. "No, it's just that you don't know I'm gay? You know people's minds, don't you? You haven't done it yet, you've done it in their minds," I said.
• "I don't care what they're going to say about me, Jan. What do I care if you're gay? Doesn't matter to me. I just want you to be my friend, is there any problem about it?" he replied seriously.
• I couldn’t help but be touched by what he said. I suddenly remembered that Mar was like Ken, he had the same mindset. "But maybe because of me, people will change the way they look at you. And I don't want to be the reason for that, Ken. Because I've been in situations like this so many times. I have had a lot of friends before but suddenly they've left because of those people who did nothing but think bad things about us. Mar is the only one left with me." I suddenly stopped when I mentioned that name which I did not intend to.
• Part 2
• "Now I see, that's why Mar and you are so close to each other but it seems like he's now making a barrier for both of you."
• I turned to him with a serious face. "Actually he didn't make the barrier for the two of us, me. I made the barrier for us because I knew that's all I could do." I didn't realize that I was opening myself up to Ken. I lost my uncomfortable feelings for him.
• "I think I'm not mistaken to think that there's something about you and Mar. Am I right or right, Am I?" He laughed.
• "There's nothing wrong with us," I defended, which in turn was true.
• "Ahm! So, you have something for him?"
• I was speechless and I had no intention of answering that. "You said you're single, didn't you? I'm wondering why, because you're handsome," I changed the subject, I even examined his face.
• He smiled. "Thanks for appreciating my looks, Jan," he said. "I don't know why too. All I know is that someone got my attention but it seems unlikely that I won't get his attention because it's in someone else," he sadly confessed.
• "Try to confess? You're a good person, Ken and you're unlikely to get his attention."
• "Do you think so?"
• "Sure," I assure him with no mixed balls.
• "I hope so," he retorted and turned to the front of the hallway.
• When we got to the second floor of the building where our classroom was, I stopped to see Mar. I could see the twinkle in his eyes as he happily chatted with a woman. It wasn't his girlfriend but the woman was almost curled up. I felt very annoyed with those two. Need to flirt in the hallway?
• "Hey, are you okay?"
• I blinked, then turned to Ken. I smiled. "I-I'm okay," I said and walked away again.
• As I got closer to where Mar was, I saw him turn to me. He stared at Ken and me for a moment. Why do I see the strange emotion in his eyes again? Why does he seem disgusted?
• "Jan, see you after class?" Goodbye Ken. I just nodded before he entered the classroom.
• I turned to Mar again and I knew the annoyance was in my eyes. I want to rush but I know I can't do that. My chest was so heavy that I just entered the classroom and sat quietly. There I sighed with annoyance as I wandered outside.
• -
• After saying goodbye to Ken, I went straight to the library to do an assignment there. I left Ken in the cafeteria because he hadn't finished eating and I was ashamed of him too. I became comfortable with him because I found out that he was kind and a good friend.
• I was so scratchy in the head that I couldn’t find the assignment I should have looked for in the book I picked up. I gasped and frowned when I saw that the book I had obtained was wrong. My brain is flying too much right now.
• I stood with the book I had picked up. I went into the far end of the bookshelves there. Lunch time so not that many people there.
• I returned the book to its source. I turned to the books and carefully examined what they were, lest I get the wrong one again. I turned to the other side of the bookshelf, my eyes serious and focused on the books.
• "There's a lizard!" my shocked reaction when I felt I had collided with something hard.
• "Can't you read anymore?"
• My chest was pounding so fast because of the voice I heard. I couldn't look back, I felt like I was stuck there and when I faced him I might suddenly hug him because of my eternal longing for him.
• "Or are you blind? What you're getting and looking for is different," he said meaningfully.
• I closed my eyes emphatically. I slowly faced him. "I'm not blind, Mar I just realized how stupid I am for falling in love with my best friends," I returned full of emotion.
• I stared at him. I feel tears in my eyes again.
• "Is that why you avoided me completely and went with that Ken? Damn, Jan! Did you ever ask me if I want you to make a distance between us?" he said irritably.
• I like to think he was jealous of Ken but I knew it was still vague on a dark night. He just becomes too insecure because Ken is always with me. "Do I need to ask you that, Mar? It's my decision and you can't do anything about it," I returned.
• "But what about me, Jan? Did you even think of me?"
• I smiled. "Do I still need to think about you? I've been thinking about you since then, Mar isn't enough? It's time for me to think about what I know is right for the two of us."
• "What if it's not right?"
• "Mar, no–"
• I could no longer speak when he suddenly pulled me closer to him. Our bodies applied which almost made me deaf because of my strong heartbeat. I faint because of the strange feeling that envelops me.
• "I don't know, Jan but I don't want to lose you. Am I selfish for wanting you to stay?" he asked seriously.
• "B-but we both know we won't go back to where we were before until I have feelings for you." Tears fell in my eyes.
• "Who said we're going back to the past? If we can't then let's make a new one, Jan."
• My heart was filled with joy because of what I was hearing from him. If only this moment would not end.
• "It's not that easy, Mar. If it's for you, it's just that, for me it's not ... because it's hard Mar."
• "It's not easy for me either, Jan but I know if I don't try, I might regret it later."
• I was even more amazed at what he was saying, I couldn’t understand. "Please, Mar don't make it complicated." I tried to get away from him but he quickly pulled me which caused us to grow closer
• I could hear nothing but my heartbeat. I am engulfed in a variety of emotions. I do not know.
• We were only inches away from each other's faces. I can already smell Mar's breath coming from his deep breath.
• "I want to try, Jan." After saying that, Mar even brought his face closer to mine. I was stunned, unable to move because of the strange feeling I had until I just felt Mar's soft lips on my lips.
• I was almost swallowed up by the strange joy I was feeling. I feel like I’m in a free place where I can do everything I want. The pleasure of feeling Mar's kiss that would have never ended. I savored every second of that kiss because I knew it might be the last.
• When I felt Mar's lips move away from mine, I woke up. Our eyes met. Fear and sadness returned to my eyes as I could see the confusion in his eyes.
• "I think it's better for us to distance ourselves from each other, Mar." I wiped the tears from my eyes and quickly let go of Mar's arms. I have no other choice. I'm confused. Many questions.