Chapter 1

• “You will be fine, El,” Pa starts. “After all, your ma and I never married out of love, but look at us now.” His brown eyes take on a dreamy look and my lips curve into a small smile that disappears as soon as his gaze returns to my face. “So in love.”
• He takes my left hand in his, squeezes it as his way of reassuring me but I am far from reassured. A foreign emotion claws at my throat, tears burn the back of my eyes and I make a sound between a choke and a sob.
• Why me? Why us?
• I steal a glance at Pa’s face, there’s no sign of laughter. Instead, I’m met with lines that have etched deep into his forehead, sunken eyes from lack of sleep and cracked lips.
• The tiny mole on his nose seems to have grown bigger, maybe it is my imagination. His shoulders are hunched, eyes hold great wisdom like they have seen things he must not voice out. His movements are slower than they should be as if he has thought long and hard before deciding to move.
• When did Pa grow this old? He looks to be somewhere around his mid-seventies when he is ten years younger and I wonder if they lied when they said, Black don’t crack. Maybe they did. Because Pa has cracked or will crack soon unless I agree to his offer.
• A weight settles on my shoulder, the idea in itself makes me shudder involuntarily. This request he asks of me will change my life forever but I know I will do it. I will do anything for my parents to be happy again.
• “I’m doing this because I love you.” I place a kiss on my father’s forehead, towering over him with my 5’11 height, one of the qualities that earned me modelling gigs before I quit. “I hope this works out well.”
• “I love you too and it will. I won’t set you up for this if I wasn’t so sure.” His eyes water a bit but he doesn’t cry. “You know this, El.”
• Do I? This is a set up, the only option is yes.
• For his sake.
• Sighing, I sink into the worn-down chair in this dilapidated office with chipping paints and rat-infested ceilings. If I look closely, the mould on the ceiling will have a more definite form. Sometimes, it’s a map, other times, it’s any shape my mind eye conjures.
• “Say hello to ma for me,” I say as he stands with a groan, “I’ll swing by next week.”
• He sweeps his coat to one side so he can place a hand on his waist. We stare at each other long enough for me to glimpse the disappointment and hurt brimming in his eyes but he doesn’t say anything. I have not been home in days, weeks; it reminds me too much of all we have lost. They might act like all is fine but it isn't and I can't pretend.
• Pa finally sighs in defeat, he can already tell they will not be seeing me at home this weekend or next. He blows a kiss in my direction and I return it without looking him in the eyes. I am a bit angry at him, Ma and myself for the things I cannot change.
• His fragile footsteps are slow and calculated but the wooden floor still creaks under his weight. Some of the nails of the floorboards are missing, a little misstep and you will be slapped into oblivion by the unforgiving wood. The whole place needs renovations but it guarantees privacy for talks like this.
• At the door, Pa turns around to face me, waving lovingly at me as if to say he knows he has asked too much from me already. And I send him a smile that is the opposite of what I feel on the inside. I have to do this for them. They have already done enough.
• When he is gone, I locate my black handbag on the floor, the hand-me-down from Ma I have owned for more than three years. My fingers brush the brown envelope and I withdraw them sharply as though it burns. I shove the file deeper into my bag, wishing this is a dream so I can wake up and declare this a nightmare. But it is not; this is real.
• I make my way out to the front of this single-storey building, stopping to stare long and hard at what used to be our favourite place in the world. The letters, N PAR hangs precariously from the building, I step back. It used to be ANN PHARMA written in gold letters but the other letters have fallen off.
• Pa claims it was named after Ma whose full name is Annika; she is his good luck charm. When Ma got tired of correcting people for mispronouncing her name, she decided to go by Ann instead. Only Pa can pronounce her name correctly, it means grace unlike my name, Elna which means beloved.
• I shiver a bit as the cold evening air lashes angrily at everything in sight, pulling my coat tighter to my chest. Ignoring the catcalls that are thrown in my direction, I start the short journey to my apartment.