Chapter 9 Desire to Sin - Part l

• My gaze is drawn to the enormous table, and I have the feeling that all eyes are on me. There are expressions of sympathy, pity, contempt, rage, and disgust. My sight wanders across the room and settles on my brother, who is looking down, it must have pained him to see his sister being humiliated like this, and then my gaze falls on Delila, who is seething with rage and has her eyes closed. She opens her eyes to look at me, and I offer her an appreciative nod for not lashing out. I close my eyes and dash out of the dining hall and the packhouse, my head down.
• Despite the fact that everyone knew, no one ever said it aloud that I am wolfless. Even if they believed me to be cursed or simply thought that I was deemed unworthy to the Goddess, they never voiced it aloud. And, while I am aware of the vile rumours about me and Ciro, no one has ever branded me a whore in front of everyone. Everyone talks about me behind my back, but this is the first time such things have been said directly to my face. The grief and pain from all those insults behind my back had scarcely ever affected me since I had already made peace with it. Those things had ceased upsetting me a long time ago, but today when a juvenile insulted me in front of everyone and repeated what everyone is thinking, it just stings. I feel as if all the knives I had kept concealed in the deepest pit inside me to protect myself from getting hurt have been unleashed at once and are tearing at my flesh from the inside. However, I am thankful to you, Moon Goddess. At the very least, you are kind enough to keep my parents away from the pack. At the very least, my parents were spared seeing a juvenile disrespect their daughter. Or I'm not sure how much humiliation and hurt they would have felt. I am just glad they are not here.
• I lost every ounce of self control I had to keep my tears at bay as I sat on the cold wooden floor. And all I could feel was a crushing weight on my chest and a desperate urge to let it all go. I'm not sure how strong the Goddess believes I am, but I can't hold myself up any longer. So I let go, I let go of the reins, and tears stream down my cheeks. I cry, I cry from the misery of those open wounds that I had been trying to mend for so long. I cry for the new wounds that are oozing blood and bleeding me from within.