This morning unconsciously I take even more time in the shower, when I'm done I take care to choose my outfit thinking of Alexender, it's stronger than me, I can't help it when I'm done prepare, I feel like putting on red lipstick when I usually only put on glosses, everything I do I do it thinking of him I do everything for him, so it's his being in love, you live for this person, you breathe for this person, everything you do is for him and your mind only wants this person it's so beautiful and uncomfortable at the same time especially when this love is not reciprocal and only stays in one direction
I take my bag and go out but as usual my mother wants me to leave the car for her shopping so I'm going to get a taxi and go to work in peace
When I arrive again this morning at work I notice that he is not there today either I really feel a twinge in my heart it is also unpleasant to kiss me, it is also unpleasant to spend a moment intimacy with me?
Why is he behaving like this towards me? why did he kiss me like that if I repelled him so much? i don't really understand, i try to fight back all these tears that blur my sight but two big hot drops escape me and i wipe them away as fast as they came i'm not going to start crying for a man who don't give a fuck about me, even if in reality it really hurts my heart, I prefer to be strong for me
I settle in and I try to put some order in all this work he has accumulated trying to avoid me, I haven't really much to do these last few days but I come every days at the same time and I leave at the same time as usual
Today again I will still look in the air waiting for the time when I must return
Me coming back to earth: hello
William's Assistant: Sir want to see you in the large meeting room right now
Me a little surprised: do you know why he wants to see me?
William's assistant: no not at all, he just asked me to give you the commission
Me: ok thank you
I get up in spite of myself, I don't know why but my heart is pounding violently against my chest, I try not to panic, I really hope that he won't tell me about the incident of last time or fire me since i can't afford to lose this job, everything i have here i can't find anywhere else
I don't know why I'm lying to myself, it's more for Alexender that I don't want to leave this job, even if he doesn't like me just seeing him every day really calms me down I can't live without him anymore
When I realize what I have just thought, I pause before leaving, I suppress all these thoughts and I head towards the room where William is waiting for me.
When I arrive-I don't know if I'm shocked, happy or relieved, he was there in front of me, even if he had a neutral face, I'm so happy to see him after all these days of absence finally
William: Please take a seat
These words make me come to my senses and I sit on the chair that I am shown, there was a solemn silence that lasts a few minutes before William breaks this silence
William: You're probably wondering why you were called, aren't you?
Me: yes sir, I'm a little surprised at the meeting
William: it's not really a, meeting, we called you because we have a proposal for you and you are free to accept or refuse, even if you refuse you will be able to keep your job without problem
Me a little surprised: then know what it is?
William turning to Alexander who since I've been there hasn't said a word: are you talking or am I?
Alexander: no go
William clearing his throat: by the way Alexender offers you to become his wife
Me almost falling off my chair: sorry?
You are probably wondering why I changed my mind so quickly, and why I agree to make this girl my wife
That evening when I leave William, I come home and I go straight to my daughter's room who was obviously already asleep, I walk forward I put a kiss on her forehead before taking the door
Me turning around: aren't you sleeping my dear?
Julia: no daddy
Me slowly: you should go to sleep, tomorrow there's school
Me: yes sweetheart
Julia: why don't I have a mom
Me a little shocked: why are you asking me sweetheart?
Julia: today was mother daughter day at school everyone was with their mom except me, why don't I have a mom? why did mom leave me?
I feel like my heart is breaking inside me, why does a little girl as tender as mine have to go through all this, no child deserves to lose their mother
Me lost: sweetheart you know very well that your mama loved you more than anything don't you?
Julia wiping away her tears: so why did she leave me? why did she leave?
Me sitting next to her: your mum was very sick, she fought so hard to be able to stay by your side and watch you grow, she was in really really bad pain but she kept fighting for you , but despite all the courage she may have had and the strength she demonstrated, this illness from which she suffered ended up getting the better of her, you must never think that she wanted to leave you, she beaten with all her strength for you princess, you have mom she loved you more than anything
Julia raising her head: now she is pain free?
Me taking him in my arms: no my daughter, she suffers a little less and you know what will make her happy where she is?
Julia: no daddy
Me: What will make her happy, what will make her feel better is to see her daughter happy, fulfilled, to see the joyful Julia who left for school this morning coming back to her, that's all that will allow your mother to to feel better
Julia tightening her embrace: okay daddy
Me: so wipe away those tears beading that beautiful princess face
She wipes her tears and gives me one of those smiles that can make a rainbow appear in the middle of a storm
Me: sweetheart your mom she will always love you and watch over you from heaven
next time I'll take you to one of your mother daughter events if you want
Julia laughing: no but daddy you're not a girl
Me: but I can wear a skirt and heels if you want
Julia: no dad, you're so bad you don't know what girls can do
Me getting serious again: a new mommy tell you? How do you feel about having a new mom?
Julia: yes dad only if she is nice to us and makes you smile like when mom was there
Me giggling: No, but who's the adult here? we talk about what will make you happy, not me
Me: yes princess
Julia: what will make me happy is to find my dad, and if I have to have a new mom she has to be a real mom
Me: what is a real mom then?
Julia: a real mom is the one who takes good care of dad before he goes to work, who also takes care of the children, who is nice to everyone
Me giggling: ok princess I'll find you a real mommy
Me: yes I promise
She throws herself happily into my arms before getting back into bed
Me turning off the light: I love you princess
Julia: me too dad
I go out and close the door behind me
End of flashback
That evening when I left my daughter's room I made a promise to myself to find her a real mother as she said, my daughter's happiness means the most to me and if I have to support this daughter all mornings, every day I'll do it anyway it's the only one I have on hand and seems to get along well with Julia