[The author sent for to court. The queen buys him of his master the farmer,
and presents him to the king. He disputes with his majesty's great scholars.
An apartment at court provided for the author. He is in high favour with th_ueen. He stands up for the honour of his own country. His quarrels with th_ueen's dwarf.]
The frequent labours I underwent every day, made, in a few weeks, a ver_onsiderable change in my health: the more my master got by me, the mor_nsatiable he grew. I had quite lost my stomach, and was almost reduced to _keleton. The farmer observed it, and concluding I must soon die, resolved t_ake as good a hand of me as he could. While he was thus reasoning an_esolving with himself, a SARDRAL, or gentleman-usher, came from court,
commanding my master to carry me immediately thither for the diversion of th_ueen and her ladies. Some of the latter had already been to see me, an_eported strange things of my beauty, behaviour, and good sense. Her majesty,
and those who attended her, were beyond measure delighted with my demeanour. _ell on my knees, and begged the honour of kissing her imperial foot; but thi_racious princess held out her little finger towards me, after I was set o_he table, which I embraced in both my arms, and put the tip of it with th_tmost respect to my lip. She made me some general questions about my countr_nd my travels, which I answered as distinctly, and in as few words as _ould. She asked, "whether I could be content to live at court?" I bowed dow_o the board of the table, and humbly answered "that I was my master's slave:
but, if I were at my own disposal, I should be proud to devote my life to he_ajesty's service." She then asked my master, "whether he was willing to sel_e at a good price?" He, who apprehended I could not live a month, was read_nough to part with me, and demanded a thousand pieces of gold, which wer_rdered him on the spot, each piece being about the bigness of eight hundre_oidores; but allowing for the proportion of all things between that countr_nd Europe, and the high price of gold among them, was hardly so great a su_s a thousand guineas would be in England. I then said to the queen, "since _as now her majesty's most humble creature and vassal, I must beg the favour,
that Glumdalclitch, who had always tended me with so much care and kindness,
and understood to do it so well, might be admitted into her service, an_ontinue to be my nurse and instructor."
Her majesty agreed to my petition, and easily got the farmer's consent, wh_as glad enough to have his daughter preferred at court, and the poor gir_erself was not able to hide her joy. My late master withdrew, bidding m_arewell, and saying he had left me in a good service; to which I replied no_ word, only making him a slight bow.
The queen observed my coldness; and, when the farmer was gone out of th_partment, asked me the reason. I made bold to tell her majesty, "that I owe_o other obligation to my late master, than his not dashing out the brains o_ poor harmless creature, found by chance in his fields: which obligation wa_mply recompensed, by the gain he had made in showing me through half th_ingdom, and the price he had now sold me for. That the life I had since le_as laborious enough to kill an animal of ten times my strength. That m_ealth was much impaired, by the continual drudgery of entertaining the rabbl_very hour of the day; and that, if my master had not thought my life i_anger, her majesty would not have got so cheap a bargain. But as I was out o_ll fear of being ill-treated under the protection of so great and good a_mpress, the ornament of nature, the darling of the world, the delight of he_ubjects, the phoenix of the creation, so I hoped my late master'_pprehensions would appear to be groundless; for I already found my spirit_evive, by the influence of her most august presence."
This was the sum of my speech, delivered with great improprieties an_esitation. The latter part was altogether framed in the style peculiar t_hat people, whereof I learned some phrases from Glumdalclitch, while she wa_arrying me to court.
The queen, giving great allowance for my defectiveness in speaking, was,
however, surprised at so much wit and good sense in so diminutive an animal.
She took me in her own hand, and carried me to the king, who was then retire_o his cabinet. His majesty, a prince of much gravity and austere countenance,
not well observing my shape at first view, asked the queen after a cold manner
"how long it was since she grew fond of a SPLACNUCK?" for such it seems h_ook me to be, as I lay upon my breast in her majesty's right hand. But thi_rincess, who has an infinite deal of wit and humour, set me gently on my fee_pon the scrutoire, and commanded me to give his majesty an account of myself,
which I did in a very few words: and Glumdalclitch who attended at the cabine_oor, and could not endure I should be out of her sight, being admitted,
confirmed all that had passed from my arrival at her father's house.
The king, although he be as learned a person as any in his dominions, had bee_ducated in the study of philosophy, and particularly mathematics; yet when h_bserved my shape exactly, and saw me walk erect, before I began to speak,
conceived I might be a piece of clock-work (which is in that country arrive_o a very great perfection) contrived by some ingenious artist. But when h_eard my voice, and found what I delivered to be regular and rational, h_ould not conceal his astonishment. He was by no means satisfied with th_elation I gave him of the manner I came into his kingdom, but thought it _tory concerted between Glumdalclitch and her father, who had taught me a se_f words to make me sell at a better price. Upon this imagination, he pu_everal other questions to me, and still received rational answers: n_therwise defective than by a foreign accent, and an imperfect knowledge i_he language, with some rustic phrases which I had learned at the farmer'_ouse, and did not suit the polite style of a court.
His majesty sent for three great scholars, who were then in their weekl_aiting, according to the custom in that country. These gentlemen, after the_ad a while examined my shape with much nicety, were of different opinion_oncerning me. They all agreed that I could not be produced according to th_egular laws of nature, because I was not framed with a capacity of preservin_y life, either by swiftness, or climbing of trees, or digging holes in th_arth. They observed by my teeth, which they viewed with great exactness, tha_ was a carnivorous animal; yet most quadrupeds being an overmatch for me, an_ield mice, with some others, too nimble, they could not imagine how I shoul_e able to support myself, unless I fed upon snails and other insects, whic_hey offered, by many learned arguments, to evince that I could not possibl_o. One of these virtuosi seemed to think that I might be an embryo, o_bortive birth. But this opinion was rejected by the other two, who observe_y limbs to be perfect and finished; and that I had lived several years, as i_as manifest from my beard, the stumps whereof they plainly discovered throug_ magnifying glass. They would not allow me to be a dwarf, because m_ittleness was beyond all degrees of comparison; for the queen's favourit_warf, the smallest ever known in that kingdom, was near thirty feet high.
After much debate, they concluded unanimously, that I was only RELPLU_CALCATH, which is interpreted literally LUSUS NATURAE; a determinatio_xactly agreeable to the modern philosophy of Europe, whose professors,
disdaining the old evasion of occult causes, whereby the followers o_ristotle endeavoured in vain to disguise their ignorance, have invented thi_onderful solution of all difficulties, to the unspeakable advancement o_uman knowledge.
After this decisive conclusion, I entreated to be heard a word or two. _pplied myself to the king, and assured his majesty, "that I came from _ountry which abounded with several millions of both sexes, and of my ow_tature; where the animals, trees, and houses, were all in proportion, an_here, by consequence, I might be as able to defend myself, and to fin_ustenance, as any of his majesty's subjects could do here; which I took for _ull answer to those gentlemen's arguments." To this they only replied with _mile of contempt, saying, "that the farmer had instructed me very well in m_esson." The king, who had a much better understanding, dismissing his learne_en, sent for the farmer, who by good fortune was not yet gone out of town.
Having therefore first examined him privately, and then confronted him with m_nd the young girl, his majesty began to think that what we told him migh_ossibly be true. He desired the queen to order that a particular care shoul_e taken of me; and was of opinion that Glumdalclitch should still continue i_er office of tending me, because he observed we had a great affection fo_ach other. A convenient apartment was provided for her at court: she had _ort of governess appointed to take care of her education, a maid to dres_er, and two other servants for menial offices; but the care of me was wholl_ppropriated to herself. The queen commanded her own cabinet-maker to contriv_ box, that might serve me for a bedchamber, after the model tha_lumdalclitch and I should agree upon. This man was a most ingenious artist,
and according to my direction, in three weeks finished for me a wooden chambe_f sixteen feet square, and twelve high, with sash-windows, a door, and tw_losets, like a London bed-chamber.
The board, that made the ceiling, was to be lifted up and down by two hinges,
to put in a bed ready furnished by her majesty's upholsterer, whic_lumdalclitch took out every day to air, made it with her own hands, an_etting it down at night, locked up the roof over me. A nice workman, who wa_amous for little curiosities, undertook to make me two chairs, with backs an_rames, of a substance not unlike ivory, and two tables, with a cabinet to pu_y things in. The room was quilted on all sides, as well as the floor and th_eiling, to prevent any accident from the carelessness of those who carrie_e, and to break the force of a jolt, when I went in a coach. I desired a loc_or my door, to prevent rats and mice from coming in. The smith, after severa_ttempts, made the smallest that ever was seen among them, for I have known _arger at the gate of a gentleman's house in England. I made a shift to kee_he key in a pocket of my own, fearing Glumdalclitch might lose it. The quee_ikewise ordered the thinnest silks that could be gotten, to make me clothes,
not much thicker than an English blanket, very cumbersome till I wa_ccustomed to them. They were after the fashion of the kingdom, partl_esembling the Persian, and partly the Chinese, and are a very grave an_ecent habit.
The queen became so fond of my company, that she could not dine without me. _ad a table placed upon the same at which her majesty ate, just at her lef_lbow, and a chair to sit on. Glumdalclitch stood on a stool on the floor nea_y table, to assist and take care of me. I had an entire set of silver dishe_nd plates, and other necessaries, which, in proportion to those of the queen,
were not much bigger than what I have seen in a London toy-shop for th_urniture of a baby-house: these my little nurse kept in her pocket in _ilver box, and gave me at meals as I wanted them, always cleaning the_erself. No person dined with the queen but the two princesses royal, th_ldest sixteen years old, and the younger at that time thirteen and a month.
Her majesty used to put a bit of meat upon one of my dishes, out of which _arved for myself, and her diversion was to see me eat in miniature: for th_ueen (who had indeed but a weak stomach) took up, at one mouthful, as much a_ dozen English farmers could eat at a meal, which to me was for some time _ery nauseous sight. She would craunch the wing of a lark, bones and all,
between her teeth, although it were nine times as large as that of a full-
grown turkey; and put a bit of bread into her mouth as big as two twelve-penn_oaves. She drank out of a golden cup, above a hogshead at a draught. He_nives were twice as long as a scythe, set straight upon the handle. Th_poons, forks, and other instruments, were all in the same proportion. _emember when Glumdalclitch carried me, out of curiosity, to see some of th_ables at court, where ten or a dozen of those enormous knives and forks wer_ifted up together, I thought I had never till then beheld so terrible _ight.
It is the custom, that every Wednesday (which, as I have observed, is thei_abbath) the king and queen, with the royal issue of both sexes, dine togethe_n the apartment of his majesty, to whom I was now become a great favourite;
and at these times, my little chair and table were placed at his left hand,
before one of the salt-cellars. This prince took a pleasure in conversing wit_e, inquiring into the manners, religion, laws, government, and learning o_urope; wherein I gave him the best account I was able. His apprehension wa_o clear, and his judgment so exact, that he made very wise reflections an_bservations upon all I said. But I confess, that, after I had been a littl_oo copious in talking of my own beloved country, of our trade and wars by se_nd land, of our schisms in religion, and parties in the state; the prejudice_f his education prevailed so far, that he could not forbear taking me up i_is right hand, and stroking me gently with the other, after a hearty fit o_aughing, asked me, "whether I was a whig or tory?" Then turning to his firs_inister, who waited behind him with a white staff, near as tall as th_ainmast of the Royal Sovereign, he observed "how contemptible a thing wa_uman grandeur, which could be mimicked by such diminutive insects as I: an_et," says he, "I dare engage these creatures have their titles an_istinctions of honour; they contrive little nests and burrows, that they cal_ouses and cities; they make a figure in dress and equipage; they love, the_ight, they dispute, they cheat, they betray!" And thus he continued on, whil_y colour came and went several times, with indignation, to hear our nobl_ountry, the mistress of arts and arms, the scourge of France, the arbitres_f Europe, the seat of virtue, piety, honour, and truth, the pride and envy o_he world, so contemptuously treated.
But as I was not in a condition to resent injuries, so upon mature thoughts _egan to doubt whether I was injured or no. For, after having been accustome_everal months to the sight and converse of this people, and observed ever_bject upon which I cast mine eyes to be of proportionable magnitude, th_orror I had at first conceived from their bulk and aspect was so far wor_ff, that if I had then beheld a company of English lords and ladies in thei_inery and birth-day clothes, acting their several parts in the most courtl_anner of strutting, and bowing, and prating, to say the truth, I should hav_een strongly tempted to laugh as much at them as the king and his grandee_id at me. Neither, indeed, could I forbear smiling at myself, when the quee_sed to place me upon her hand towards a looking-glass, by which both ou_ersons appeared before me in full view together; and there could be nothin_ore ridiculous than the comparison; so that I really began to imagine mysel_windled many degrees below my usual size.
Nothing angered and mortified me so much as the queen's dwarf; who being o_he lowest stature that was ever in that country (for I verily think he wa_ot full thirty feet high), became so insolent at seeing a creature so muc_eneath him, that he would always affect to swagger and look big as he passe_y me in the queen's antechamber, while I was standing on some table talkin_ith the lords or ladies of the court, and he seldom failed of a smart word o_wo upon my littleness; against which I could only revenge myself by callin_im brother, challenging him to wrestle, and such repartees as are usually i_he mouths of court pages. One day, at dinner, this malicious little cub wa_o nettled with something I had said to him, that, raising himself upon th_rame of her majesty's chair, he took me up by the middle, as I was sittin_own, not thinking any harm, and let me drop into a large silver bowl o_ream, and then ran away as fast as he could. I fell over head and ears, and,
if I had not been a good swimmer, it might have gone very hard with me; fo_lumdalclitch in that instant happened to be at the other end of the room, an_he queen was in such a fright, that she wanted presence of mind to assist me.
But my little nurse ran to my relief, and took me out, after I had swallowe_bove a quart of cream. I was put to bed: however, I received no other damag_han the loss of a suit of clothes, which was utterly spoiled. The dwarf wa_oundly whipt, and as a farther punishment, forced to drink up the bowl o_ream into which he had thrown me: neither was he ever restored to favour; fo_oon after the queen bestowed him on a lady of high quality, so that I saw hi_o more, to my very great satisfaction; for I could not tell to wha_xtremities such a malicious urchin might have carried his resentment.
He had before served me a scurvy trick, which set the queen a-laughing,
although at the same time she was heartily vexed, and would have immediatel_ashiered him, if I had not been so generous as to intercede. Her majesty ha_aken a marrow-bone upon her plate, and, after knocking out the marrow, place_he bone again in the dish erect, as it stood before; the dwarf, watching hi_pportunity, while Glumdalclitch was gone to the side-board, mounted the stoo_hat she stood on to take care of me at meals, took me up in both hands, an_queezing my legs together, wedged them into the marrow bone above my waist,
where I stuck for some time, and made a very ridiculous figure. I believe i_as near a minute before any one knew what was become of me; for I thought i_elow me to cry out. But, as princes seldom get their meat hot, my legs wer_ot scalded, only my stockings and breeches in a sad condition. The dwarf, a_y entreaty, had no other punishment than a sound whipping.
I was frequently rallied by the queen upon account of my fearfulness; and sh_sed to ask me whether the people of my country were as great cowards a_yself? The occasion was this: the kingdom is much pestered with flies i_ummer; and these odious insects, each of them as big as a Dunstable lark,
hardly gave me any rest while I sat at dinner, with their continual hummin_nd buzzing about mine ears. They would sometimes alight upon my victuals, an_eave their loathsome excrement, or spawn behind, which to me was ver_isible, though not to the natives of that country, whose large optics wer_ot so acute as mine, in viewing smaller objects. Sometimes they would fi_pon my nose, or forehead, where they stung me to the quick, smelling ver_ffensively; and I could easily trace that viscous matter, which, ou_aturalists tell us, enables those creatures to walk with their feet upward_pon a ceiling. I had much ado to defend myself against these detestabl_nimals, and could not forbear starting when they came on my face. It was th_ommon practice of the dwarf, to catch a number of these insects in his hand,
as schoolboys do among us, and let them out suddenly under my nose, on purpos_o frighten me, and divert the queen. My remedy was to cut them in pieces wit_y knife, as they flew in the air, wherein my dexterity was much admired.
I remember, one morning, when Glumdalclitch had set me in a box upon a window,
as she usually did in fair days to give me air (for I durst not venture to le_he box be hung on a nail out of the window, as we do with cages in England),
after I had lifted up one of my sashes, and sat down at my table to eat _iece of sweet cake for my breakfast, above twenty wasps, allured by th_mell, came flying into the room, humming louder than the drones of as man_agpipes. Some of them seized my cake, and carried it piecemeal away; other_lew about my head and face, confounding me with the noise, and putting me i_he utmost terror of their stings. However, I had the courage to rise and dra_y hanger, and attack them in the air. I dispatched four of them, but the res_ot away, and I presently shut my window. These insects were as large a_artridges: I took out their stings, found them an inch and a half long, an_s sharp as needles. I carefully preserved them all; and having since show_hem, with some other curiosities, in several parts of Europe, upon my retur_o England I gave three of them to Gresham College, and kept the fourth fo_yself.