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Chapter 2 The Antidoted Fanfreluches or, a Galimatia of extravagan_onceits found in an ancient Monument

  • No sooner did the Cymbrians' overcomer
  • Pass through the air to shun the dew of summer,
  • But at his coming straight great tubs were fill'd,
  • With pure fresh butter down in showers distill'd:
  • Wherewith when water'd was his grandam, Hey,
  • Aloud he cried, Fish it, sir, I pray y';
  • Because his beard is almost all beray'd;
  • Or, that he would hold to 'm a scale, he pray'd.
  • To lick his slipper, some told was much better,
  • Than to gain pardons, and the merit greater.
  • In th' interim a crafty chuff approaches,
  • From the depth issued, where they fish for roaches;
  • Who said, Good sirs, some of them let us save,
  • The eel is here, and in this hollow cave
  • You'll find, if that our looks on it demur,
  • A great waste in the bottom of his fur.
  • To read this chapter when he did begin,
  • Nothing but a calf's horns were found therein;
  • I feel, quoth he, the mitre which doth hold
  • My head so chill, it makes my brains take cold.
  • Being with the perfume of a turnip warm'd,
  • To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm'd,
  • Provided that a new thill-horse they made
  • Of every person of a hair-brain'd head.
  • They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles,
  • Of Gilbathar and thousand other holes,
  • If they might be reduced t' a scarry stuff,
  • Such as might not be subject to the cough:
  • Since ev'ry man unseemly did it find,
  • To see them gaping thus at ev'ry wind:
  • For, if perhaps they handsomely were closed,
  • For pledges they to men might be exposed.
  • In this arrest by Hercules the raven
  • Was flayed at her (his) return from Lybia haven.
  • Why am not I, said Minos, there invited?
  • Unless it be myself, not one's omitted:
  • And then it is their mind, I do no more
  • Of frogs and oysters send them any store:
  • In case they spare my life and prove but civil,
  • I give their sale of distaffs to the devil.
  • To quell him comes Q.B., who limping frets
  • At the safe pass of tricksy crackarets:
  • The boulter, the grand Cyclops' cousin, those
  • Did massacre, whilst each one wiped his nose:
  • Few ingles in this fallow ground are bred,
  • But on a tanner's mill are winnowed.
  • Run thither all of you, th' alarms sound clear,
  • You shall have more than you had the last year.
  • Short while thereafter was the bird of Jove
  • Resolved to speak, though dismal it should prove;
  • Yet was afraid, when he saw them in ire,
  • They should o'erthrow quite flat down dead th' empire.
  • He rather choosed the fire from heaven to steal,
  • To boats where were red herrings put to sale;
  • Than to be calm 'gainst those, who strive to brave us,
  • And to the Massorets' fond words enslave us.
  • All this at last concluded gallantly,
  • In spite of Ate and her hern-like thigh,
  • Who, sitting, saw Penthesilea ta'en,
  • In her old age, for a cress-selling quean.
  • Each one cried out, Thou filthy collier toad,
  • Doth it become thee to be found abroad?
  • Thou hast the Roman standard filch'd away,
  • Which they in rags of parchment did display.
  • Juno was born, who, under the rainbow,
  • Was a-bird-catching with her duck below:
  • When her with such a grievous trick they plied
  • That she had almost been bethwacked by it.
  • The bargain was, that, of that throatful, she
  • Should of Proserpina have two eggs free;
  • And if that she thereafter should be found,
  • She to a hawthorn hill should be fast bound.
  • Seven months thereafter, lacking twenty-two,
  • He, that of old did Carthage town undo,
  • Did bravely midst them all himself advance,
  • Requiring of them his inheritance;
  • Although they justly made up the division,
  • According to the shoe-welt-law's decision,
  • By distributing store of brews and beef
  • To these poor fellows that did pen the brief.
  • But th' year will come, sign of a Turkish bow,
  • Five spindles yarn'd, and three pot-bottoms too,
  • Wherein of a discourteous king the dock
  • Shall pepper'd be under an hermit's frock.
  • Ah! that for one she hypocrite you must
  • Permit so many acres to be lost!
  • Cease, cease, this vizard may become another,
  • Withdraw yourselves unto the serpent's brother.
  • 'Tis in times past, that he who is shall reign
  • With his good friends in peace now and again.
  • No rash nor heady prince shall then rule crave,
  • Each good will its arbitrement shall have;
  • And the joy, promised of old as doom
  • To the heaven's guests, shall in its beacon come.
  • Then shall the breeding mares, that benumb'd were,
  • Like royal palfreys ride triumphant there.
  • And this continue shall from time to time,
  • Till Mars be fetter'd for an unknown crime;
  • Then shall one come, who others will surpass,
  • Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace.
  • Cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast,
  • All trusty friends of mine; for he's deceased,
  • Who would not for a world return again,
  • So highly shall time past be cried up then.
  • He who was made of wax shall lodge each member
  • Close by the hinges of a block of timber.
  • We then no more shall Master, master, whoot,
  • The swagger, who th' alarum bell holds out;
  • Could one seize on the dagger which he bears,
  • Heads would be free from tingling in the ears,
  • To baffle the whole storehouse of abuses.
  • The thus farewell Apollo and the Muses.