I climb up the stairs to the loft and get settled on the floor in front of an old leather couch the Chaos Boys brought up here with my twin brother Carson. This old hay loft is decorated with fairy lights streaming down from the rafters and around the railing and posts. There is a couch, a rug, two reclining chairs, a coffee table, several oversized beanbag chairs, tons of blankets, two mini refrigerators, a few small fans, and space heaters as well.
The first thing I did before even unpacking when we arrived back was dust and clean up everything here in our sacred space. No one would bother us here and I was always free to be myself without a care in the world when I was up here with my boys. It was also a safe space for them to escape their tumultuous home lives.
Mom didn't want to sell our house and land because it was paid for, so it sat empty while we were gone for over six years. It was exactly as we had left it too. The pastures and yards were well kept and the house had been left untouched except for the fact it was immaculately clean. I have a feeling my Chaos Boys had something to do with that.
"If you need me, holler. I'll be practicing on the electric steer with the guys and our horses until late," Storm yells at me so I would hear him up here.
I yell back at him that I'm fine and get to work on starting more assignments. After a short time, I hear a trunk and trailer pull up knowing it must be Jensen and JT, Storm's two best friends. I ignore them in favor of putting my assignment I'm stuck on and picking up my latest reverse harem novel I'm reading.
I'm so entrenched in my book that I lost track of time until I hear the rumble of various motors. My boys have arrived so I pack up my assignments and my book. I do not need any distractions from this difficult conversation we are about to have.
I'm going to need some liquid courage. I stand up and bend over to the lower fridge filled with alcoholic drinks.
I'm grabbing a hard lemonade when the Chaos Boys have already soundly snuck up the stairs.
"Don't mind us, sweetheart. We are enjoying the view," Jase purrs when I quickly stand up and spin around with my drink in hand. Jase is smirking at me with hungry eyes.
All four of the Chaos Boys have hungry lustful eyes directed solely at me, which causes my body to shiver and it's not from a chill. I'm enjoying the gazes of these hot-as-sin men.
I mentally clear my thoughts after a moment, falling back on being snarky. "Are y'all going to stand there with your dicks in your hands all night or y'all gonna grab a beer and sit down?" My voice has an odd husky purr to it I don't recognize. I'm all hot and bothered by them just gawking at me!
The four of them chuckle, making their way around the loft as I sit on one of the leather reclining chairs so that I will be able to see them all. Weston gets beer for the guys before sitting down on the couch beside Lachlan. Jase has taken up the other recliner, sitting back in that, my-dick-is-too-big position guys like to do. Arson is sitting in one of the oversized beanbag chairs.
I take a few drinks to calm my shaking nerves. I can do this. I have to be honest with them. When my drink is halfway gone, I take a cleansing breath and then finally speak. "I'm just going to lay it all out."
The guys are watching me intently, which makes me hesitate for a moment. I take a deep breath again, holding it for a count of four before expelling all the air out of my lungs. I take a baby wipe from the pack I brought up here to sit on the coffee table. I remove the waterproof makeup I placed on my forearms.
The men around me suck in a sharp collectively at the sight of the vertical scars running up my forearms. It's difficult to look at the hurt in their eyes, so I look down at the coffee next to the wipes is a curved knife Ransom gave me ten years ago, the same I used on myself over six years ago.
"I tried to commit suicide sophomore year. I was missing Dad and Carson. Mostly Carson, because the other half of my soul, my twin, was gone. It still doesn't feel like he is gone sometimes. I swear I can hear him in my head on occasion. I just wanted to be with him again.
I know the night I tried to commit suicide you guys tried to call. All five of you knew something was wrong on instinct. I wish I would've had the courage to talk to any one of you, but I didn't want you guys to stop me from being with Carson again," I say with my voice strangled as I try to keep my tears at bay.
None of the guys speak so I continue. "I was being selfish, I get that. I wasn't thinking about how much my death would hurt my mother or you guys. At the same time, I thought that maybe you five would be better off without trying to take Carson's place or taking care of me."
I can see the argument start to form on their faces. "I was wrong. I can see that. I've heard rumors around town about you guys. How you all changed when my mom whisked me away from the hospital to another state.
I'm grateful to her though because working on a ranch with an equine-assisted therapy program helped me. The owner is friends with my uncle and he gave me the red horse down there," I say, and my horse nickers at me as if knowing I was talking about him.
I chuckle, "Yes Loki, I was talking about you." I finally glanced back up at my boys, who are all stiff and had clenched jaws. "Loki was unsuitable for the therapy program and wasn't a good ranch horse. None of the hands could get along with him or his older brother Thor, besides Storm and me. For some reason, those two horses bonded with us."
After a few awkward minutes, one of the boys finally speaks. "Why didn't you ever say anything, Moon-Bear?" Lachlan asks with so much regret and sorrow shining in his Caribbean eyes.
I shrug my shoulders. "Depression is a monster. There wasn't much more you boys could have done for me at the time. I was my happiest when I was with you guys, however. It was when I was alone that my mind would wander to unpleasant thoughts."
"Why didn't you call us afterward?" Weston asks, finally speaking up.
"Mom found me in the bathtub bleeding out. She immediately attempted to staunch the bleeding, calling an ambulance to rush me to the hospital. In the process of pulling me out, my phone went for a swim and so did hers. We lost all our contacts since we had nothing backed up," I say removing my phone in a waterproof case out of my pocket.
"Give it here," Lachlan commands, holding his hand out to me. Without a second thought, I hand him my phone. A few moments later, he hands it back to me. "There now you have all of our contact information, including Ran's when he gets out. I also backed everything up to your email account.."
I thank him and before I can ask them about Ransom, Arson demands in that fierce way of his to explain Storm, since he seems way too close to me personally.