Chapter 5

• Ester, Am I awake for you or I couldn't sleep because of you?
• She scared me to no extent, what If something happened to her? She is my responsibility. I can't let anyone hurt her... except me. But, she made me feel so scared when she didn't came back early, I almost lost myself, my breath, when I couldn't find her. I sighed deeply, my mind is feeling undesirable emotions which are utterly disturbing and I don't want that thought to even cross my mind. That pathetic woman is making me feel strange, something I haven't felt in a while. I shook my head and made hot chocolate for her. I have seen her drinking it quite a few time so I guess she liked it.
• I came to her and hand her the cup and sat beside her, I felt somehow clam in her presence. That she is safe and beside me.
• " NO! STOP IT YOU HATE HER! She is just a liability. You don't want to marry anyone especially a girl pathetic like her! "
• After scolding myself, I asked about her and scolded her too for scaring- petrifying me like this. We exchanged a few words but they made me feel at serene and I wanted to talk to her more but I know I can't and shouldn't, it would be better for us.
• I stood up and began to say,
• "I know you don't believe it. But, I don't want to hurt- never mind." I said and left. I couldn't be able to say that I hurt wanted her to be hurt. I want to tell her that I don't want her to hurt herself by loving me. My love will only kill her from inside, it will best that I will annul our marriage as soon as possible. but I don't know why, a sudden urge to talk to her arouse in me as if talking to her make me feel, alive and something I haven't felt in years. I felt happy. I wish Henry could be here so that he can think of a way to take her away, liberating me from her. Not being able to hold my feelings inside me I walked inside her room but she wasn't here. She was sleeping where I set the fireplace, curling like a ball looking cute. I sat beside her and wrapped the blanket around her. An involuntary smile crept upon my lips when I looked at her.
• "Ester.. wake up.." I called.
• "Ester!" I called her a little loudly but no too much but she didn't even flinch. She must be a heavy sleep. A chuckle escaped my lips as I turned to her slumbering from, sleeping peacefully, unaware how hateful I am and how I am thinking just to break her. I just don't understand why she agreed to marry me? Just how delusional she is? She is too weak and I don't like her but still at the same time, I like her and want to protect her but someone like me can never be a protector. I sighed deeply and brushed my fingers on the side of her face, my heart skipped a beat as I quickly pulled my hand back.
• "Ester, you scared me. Why are you that stupid that you loves me that much? I don't deserve love. I am planning to break you apart, My love is deadly, Ester. Don't love me. It will kill you. But I don't know why I want to eradicate you out of my life and at the same time, I don't want to lose you. Damn it it's just a week and you are doing this to me but I am determined to let you go. You and I, can never be together but at the same time.. I want to tell you Ester.." I moved close to her face, feeling disheartened. I closed my eyes as a tear reflecting my dilemma and pain rolled down my cheek along with a sad smile as I whispered to her,
• "Never leave me again.." I pulled away and left, with my heart hurting deeply..
• "You ready?" I asked Ester who was leaning on the wall, looking at her portrait in our room, the picture I took when we divorced. That forced smile and tears, that dress I never let her wear but still she looks so angelic in it.
• She turned to me and smiled, "Yeah." I wrapped my arms around her shoulder and smiled at her.
• "Let's go."
• "To make new memories." She added.
• "Better than before." She just grinned and nodded.
• We started our drive. It was silent, Ester was smiling as her smiles calmed my heart. We were driving for hours so I thought we should rest somewhere as I asked, "Are you hungry, Ester?" No reply came. I spared a glance at her and saw her sleeping while leaning on the window. I chuckled when I saw her. I stopped the car and took a picture of her. I do that from time to time, taking her picture on random moments without her being aware of it.
• We reached our place as I turned to look at Ester who was sleeping. I shook her shoulder and called her, "Ester, wake up, we are here." I said softly, She didn't even flinch, I sighed and got out and picked her up like bridal style and took her inside.
• I stood in the hall, thinking where should I take her. To the room I didn't even allow her to enter; my room or perhaps at the room I left her. My heart clenched as I took her to my room. I placed her on the bed gently. I bend on the ground and brushed hairs falling on her face behind her ears. I leaned in close to her face. Her breath hit my face, her eyes were closed. She was lost in a lull. A smile crept upon my lips when I looked at her sleeping peacefully. I never want this peace to be away from me. I held her wrist and caressed her cuts and leaned maybe too close to her face with my fingers tracing the side of her face.
• Her eyes slowly opened, she gasped when she saw me that close to her face. She quickly sat up and held the covers close to her chest, "D-Desmond.. I-I Know it's our honeymoon but p-please g-give me some time." She stuttered, afraid. I felt guilt and pulled back.
• "I know Ester, please don't be afraid, it's okay." I assured her. She timidly nodded and hugged her knees close to her chest. I brought my hand close to her face and caressed it, "There's nothing to be afraid of, not anymore." I said softly. "I know.. but I don't know why. I can't do it. Even if I want to, I can't." She whispered sadly. I shifted close and cupped her cheek, "Hey, it's okay. We have the rest of our life for this. No need to rush things." I smiled. She passed me a faint smile and moved close to me. "Promise me you'll never change and go back to your old self. Be like this, always." She said desperately, hiding her face in my chest. "I promise." I promised, kissing her hand.
• We remained like this, I rubbed her back and kissed her head. She held me close, trying to calm herself. I never knew my touch scared her that much, that she will be petrified by just a little intimacy, that she cannot even relax in my presence.
• I slowly pulled away and asked, "You hungry?" She nodded and sat back. "I'll cook something for you," I smiled. She nodded again and said, "I'll freshen up." I stood up, she looked around the room. "Your room." She mumbled. "Our room." I corrected her. She blushed and looked away.
• I cooked something for us and we ate in silence and since it was evening and we were tired we both slept holding each other close.
• The next morning, I was having my tea while using my phone, "Desmond." Ester called me.
• "Can I go out?" She asked expectantly. "No." I said taking a sip of my drink. "Why?" She frowned. "You won't go anywhere alone." I said, without looking at her. She stood up and walked to me. "Then we both will go." She said with a smile. "No." I said. She took my phone away from me as I finally looked at her with my usual bored look. "Come on, Desmond." She whined. "Please." She said, sweetly. I finally gave her my full attention and turned to her. I smirked and stood up.
• "And give me a reason to go?" I asked, taking a step towards her.
• "Uh.. because I am going too.." She said nervously taking a step back,
• "Oh is that so?" I asked, coming close to her. "You coming or not?" She tried to say firmly but failed. I laughed and hugged her, "Okay, okay, I am coming." I said. She flushed and giggled. I kissed her head.