After what happened that night, an emotional baggage was lifted on me. Although, I had a clear memory of taking a post pill. But like Amy said, the pills are not hundred percent effective and so, it didn’t stop my mind from thinking of the worst.
I had spent the past few nights crying myself to sleep and drenching my pillowcase with an awkward blend of tears and snot. Amy had tried her best to console me but I just couldn’t think of the positive aspect of anything. I wanted to wallow in self-pity and immerse myself into a deep state of regret.
Why? Because I caused it upon myself. There was no running away from it. I had to face it. Still, some unanswered questions kept swirling in my mind. No matter how hard I tried to save them for later, they would always find their way to barge into my thoughts. Questions like — would I really get pregnant or I was just overthinking?
Amy had told me that it was possible for me to have unprotected sex with guy without getting pregnant if I was on my safe period during the sex or plain infertile. Scratch the latter— I was sure I wasn’t infertile. Safe period? I wasn’t sexually active before now and I wasn’t conscious of my safe period. She tried calculating it for me but I didn’t care about that. Instead, I took the post-pill with shaky hands. I was scared, my mind was spiralling out of control.
How would my mom react to this? Will he want the child? How would I fend for the child? What about school and my part-time job? How do I get the money to pay my school fees? I was a scholarship student; but the scholarship didn’t cover my entire school expenses. It only covered fifty percent that I normally struggled to pay.
I sighed, rolling over to the other side of the bed. I couldn’t feel Amy’s body. It occured to me that she must have stood up from the bed while I was sleeping. My phone rang and I ignored the call without checking who it was. I already knew who was calling. It was Jake. Since I found out he had another girlfriend and stormed out of his house angrily, he had been calling and blowing my phone with apology text messages.
I had been declining his calls mainly because for some reasons unknown to me, I was feeling guilty. He had always talked about how I was cheating on him and it didn’t even take long (after breaking up with him) I gave my virginity to a mere stranger.
I was utterly disappointed in myself. Perhaps, I should ask Amy if she felt this way after losing her virginity. Or, was it because of the way I lost mine I was feeling this way? A meaningless one night stand. I released a regretful sigh as the memories of that night flooded my mind. I was being so reckless that night — drinking uncontrollably and dancing sensually with a mere stranger. I had been so uptight all my life. The only time I decided to loosen up, I went overboard with it and it resulted into something else. My phone rang this time around, lighting up the screen and I used the opportunity to check for the time. It was fifteen minutes past six am. I decided to use the little time I had to prepare for my morning class.
I was in the kitchen preparing our breakfast (Coffee and sandwiches) in our portable kitchen while humming soft sounds and bobbing my head to the sides. “Leila!” Amy yelled from the room, but it was not in an agresssive way. I answered her. “Yes!”
“Your phone is ringing, should I bring it over to you?” She asked and I already knew who was calling. I sighed. “Sure.”
“It’s Jake again.” Amy confirmed my thoughts as walked into the kitchen and handed my phone over to me. “I think you should listen to what he has to say.” She implored, tilting her head to the side and shrugging.
I raised my brows at her, contemplating on whether to actually pick the call. “Please, just listen to him. He has been calling you non-stop for some time now and you’ve been ignoring his messages.” She paused. “It’s only fair that you hear what he has to say. ”
“Alright.” I said, rinsing my hand in the sink and dried it with a neat napkin resting on the marble tiled counter. The ringing ended soon but I knew he was going to call again.
“Don’t worry, I’ll handle the food. Speak to him and hear what he has to say. Okay?” I was surprised at how she was just pleading with me to pick his call. Well, it wasn’t that she hated him before, she didn’t just like the way he treated me.
I leaned into the sofa as I heard my phone ring again. I quickly answered the call and waited for him to speak first but all I heard him do was chuckle. He let out a bitter chuckle and it made me feel like chilled water was poured on my body. His chuckle terrified me and my heartbeat thumped faster.
“Hello.” I managed to croak out.
“You know the funny thing is I really love you. I really wanted us to work out but what did you do to me? You left. ” He said, in a calm manner but I knew that it was only a matter of time before he would yell.
“Jake, you were always abusing me and saying sorry afterwards. I was tired of that lifestyle. I was tired! ” I whined. “And then, you had another girlfriend. What did you expect me to do!?”
“Hey hey, honey, don’t raise your fucking voice at me.” His tone made me cower and I was grateful he wasn’t here to see the impact. One thing I noticed about Jake is: whenever he sees a glimpse of fear in your eyes, he takes advantage of the situation. But today, I wasn’t going to let him intimidate him, I was going to stand up for myself. Enough of his bullshit! Today, it was going to end. He no longer had the right to talk to me without respect.
“I have the right to shout if I feel that’s the right way to express myself. What did you want me to do?! Endure torture from you, while I knew you were still dating another person that you could leave me for anytime soon?!” I asked, yelling to the extent that even Amy had to leave the kitchen to check if everything was okay. I assured her I was okay, just giving Jake a piece of mind.
Surprisingly, Jake replied to me in a cool manner. “Babe, you should have waited for my explanation.” I rolled my eyes. What silly explanation, I mused to myself.
He continued. “I’m not dating her, she is just an angry ex-girlfriend who wants me back.”
I wasn’t buying into any of that. “I am not dumb, I saw how you were so tensed that—”
He cut me in. “Are we really going to argue anything of this? Are you taking me back or not?” He asked suddenly in a commanding tone. I was surprised and I felt like ending the call already. Who does he think he is? I don’t even know how I managed to date him.
“Oh, you’re not going to say anything, right?” He questioned with anger lacing his tone. “After I paid your fucking bills without even getting to have sex with you. You think you can just dump me for that rich guy!?”
“Wait are you tryna accuse me of cheating now!? Weren’t you the one who a girl called her boyfriend in my presence—”
“Weren’t you the one that was seen in the club with a that rich guy or whatever?”
“How did you see that?” I suddenly blurted out and I wished I could take back those words.
He sniggered mockingly. “Don’t fucking kid me. It was fucking on the blogs but apparently the guy didn’t wanna be associated with a poor thing like you…” A gasp escaped my lips as my hands moved to cover my mouth and tears streamed down my face at his hurtful words and my misfortune.
“You’re not saying anything? You’re surprised that I’m aware?. . .” Hearing him ask those questions felt like someone was frantically boring holes through my heart. I sat transfixed as my hands became weak; I couldn’t even end the call.
“Anyways, just so you know this: I’m the only one that would accept you and care for you.” He paused. “No other guy would, just come back to me. ” He said softly and it sounded like a lullaby in my ears and at the same time, it felt like something an evil person would say to entice their prey back into their fold. And Jake was doing just that. I knew better than to fall for that.
“Jake, I don’t want you anymore.”
He chuckled. “Then fucking pay me all the money I’ve spent on your broke ass. Fucking pay me every freaking dime!” He hollered.
“Where do you want me to see that type of money?”
“When I was spending on you did you ask me where I was getting my money from?”
“But you’re working at a company—”
“I don‘t fucking care, refund every dime I’ve spent on you!” He paused as though he was waiting for my reply. “And I send you a banquet of your favourite flowers through your friend, Annatrium, disregard it.” With that, he hissed and ended the call.
I flung my phone on the sofa, leaned off the sofa, staring into nothingness as tears streamed down my eyes. It was too much for me to handle; I wanted the ground to open up and swallow my whole. End my existence. Yesterday, when my Mom called, I couldn’t even pick the call out of shame.
Amy walked into the parlour carrying our breakfast on a fancy tray and fully dressed for school. She quickly placed the tray of breakfast on the center table and rushed over to my side. “What’s wrong this time around? See, I’ve told you being pregnant is not the end of the world.” She paused. “Others have gotten pregnant before you and more people will still get pregnant after you.” She said, worry lines running around her face.
I sniffed and used my hands to clean my eyes. “I’m just tired of everything.” I confessed, wearily.
“It’s gonna be okay. I promise to stand by you. Are you aware that picture has been taken down?” She asked, staring at me and still holding my hands.
“What picture? Jake talked about it too.”
“Oh my bad! I guess I should have told you then.”
“What picture?” I asked, desperate for an answer.
“A picture of you and him was taken in the club by an anonymous journalist but it’s been taken down now…”
So, this was what Jake was talking about… he probably dosen’t want to have anything to do with me.
“I’m sorry for not telling you. I thought you had seen it but didn’t want to talk about it anymore…” Amy apologetic voice broke through my thoughts.
“It’s okay,” I squeezed her hands tighter. “I’m just tired. I don’t know what to do.” I complained crying. She consoled me and at some point, tears flowed through her eyes. She stayed with me throughout the day and we didn’t later go to school. We spent the day watching movies on Netflix, eating and resting, trying to subside the pain and cool off the sad air that hung around the house. The last thing she said to me before we slept off was: “ You were not like this before. Leila, stand back on your feet. Don’t get weighed by this mistake.”